I had these big plans, I had some exciting news to blog about tonight. You know all those little things that make a day go from a so-so day to a great day! But turns out things just never work out like I plan.
Bradley is doing awesome at school. That's part of what I wanted to tell you. I wanted his followers to hear that he's sitting in Circle Time occasionally, that he just buries his head till it's over sometimes, but never throws a tantrum. He's trying the slide again at playtime, something he's been afraid to try with us lately. He's stacking shapes in order and matching colors. All of these things. And today? Yes, today he played with a little friend for the first time. He played peek-a-boo with the same little girl that welcomed him the first day they met. She jumped around him at the Pumpkin Patch and then on his first day of school she fluttered around him like a sweet little butterfly, drawing him in, making him feel welcome. Today Bradley played with a friend! Joy!!!
He's had too much drainage from his ears so we picked him up from school and went back to Balboa, we were just there yesterday, it hasn't changed much, well, any. But today we were able to donate some Pediasure to them. Our little boy continues to shock and amaze us with his progression with food. He still needs his Pediasure, but lots of hospital time has created an incredible stock for him, and as he eats more he settles at a need for fewer cans each day. It's beautiful! It's a Christmas Miracle! It just felt great!
And then we got to ENT, and the world that was spinning so well suddenly fell off the axis and started bouncing down the street. I wanted to grab it, but it was always out of my grasp, proving once again that in the world of Bradley's health, I am naive to believe I have any control whatsoever. While we were waiting he seemed happy, but having just woke from his nap, still sleepy. But then the crying started, uncontrollable, inconsolable. He didn't return to any seizure behavior that we've seen so far, but I saw a few jerky motions and grabbed his diazapan. His ENT doc heard Eric ask for him and he brought us into a room, helped us monitor Bradley and then supported Bradley's head while Eric got his diaper down so I could give him the medicine to stop the seizure. It all lasted close to ten minutes, ten long life stealing minutes. Waiting for him to come back, terrified that he won't, grateful for the moment he reaches for me to hold him, feeling him solid, real and breathing in my arms. Feeling anything but safe, but feeling Blessed to have him in my arms again, physically and mentally.
He slept off the effects of the seizure and the medicine, using my jacket as his pillow. Tonight he laid out patterns with the pasta cans and the water bottles. And at dinner he ate a whole can of those spaghetti O's with meatballs and a Hawaiian roll. Impressive to say the least!
So I'm trying to remember the things about the day that made it awesome and forget about the rest, but there is just that moment in time that engulfs me in dread and makes up my nightmares. Nine months since his last seizure, (short by nine days) and then eighteen months since his first. And now we're moving through day by day again. I watch him sleep through his monitor and hold my breath as I listen for the sound of his. It wasn't what I had planned, but it's at least a return to something I know how to do. And for now he is sleeping well and that's enough. It has to be. I can see him and I can hear him through the night, so that has to be enough too.
Happy Wednesday everyone!
