Changing the Dance

I used to be one of those people that never knew what she had till it was gone, never fully appreciated the greatness of a moment until the moment was gone forever and I had only the sweet memory.  I didn’t suffer regrets so much as a disappointment that I didn’t see that moment, that instant in time that stamps itself on your heart, even your soul.  That changed for me.  In one moment, all that I thought I knew shattered and was replaced by disbelief and pain.  I experienced a period of time when the one that I loved the most wasn’t sure he loved me.  I knew in that moment that I had changed forever.  Never again would there be looking back at something to see it for what it was…for good or bad, I was seeing the moments for what they were and seeing them right now.  Things worked out in my favor and there has been a tough, but healing road back; and with all that came growth and maturity and a sense of belonging in this place and this time with this person. 

When we lived in Japan, I spent my time there with a knowledge of how great things were.   I knew that we had found our place.  I rarely feel like I belong in some place, except there… in the last two years of our time in Japan I found my place.  I not only belonged with the friends we made on base, but I felt like I even belonged in a great place carved out for me amongst my Japanese friends, I mean students.  The thing is; I knew it.  I felt it.  I knew that we were in a special place and time, that we would never duplicate nor would we ever be able to replicate what we had there in those moments.  To this day, I miss Japan and all the things and people that made that place become our place. 

Oddly enough, Facebook helps.  I can’t connect with the place but I can with the people, and it’s not the same, but it is better than nothing.  Today, I am still quite aware when we are in a moment that is good.  I don’t miss it then look back and wish I had paid more attention.  If I hadn’t learned this before, I would have with Bradley.  Our life with Bradley has brought in people that are amazing.  And with that, life is what it is: others are taken away again.  When you open your heart to love someone, you have to accept that sometimes you will lose them and your heart is going to pour out in pain and sadness.  It just is.  No one lives forever, and some who have supported Bradley in amazing ways are taking our prayers now as they fight their own diseases and cancers and some are winning and others are not.  The sense of being unfair is so profoundly struck in the chords of my heart, it can be paralyzing. 

Living where we do, we’ve had the chance to get to know some of the other family I have, and getting to love them.  I knew I had it good being here.  Learning we were moving here after Japan, I was excited.   I had family here, but I also had a good friend.  What I found was a family willing to love my kids, and me.  While we were in Japan, I knew my place and I knew I was accepted there.  I knew it in my heart and my soul.  It was difficult to leave, it was difficult to feel the sting of rejection even in the midst of the love we had in San Diego, but you get over that with time.  It was difficult to trust my sick son with new doctors, especially when I knew I had great ones.  I’ve been looking for my place ever since.  I wasn’t sure where I belonged.  My life is transient now; one plan today is not what may happen tomorrow.   Planning ahead became a joke and a thing of the past.  Survival replaced planning.   Surviving each day was the goal, IS the goal.  And still, I knew when we were having those moments. 

So as we approach this next big move in about a week, I know what I am leaving behind.  I’m leaving behind a few doctors, well quite a few…but there’s two that would drop everything to return a phone call in order to take care of Bradley.  One that would stay after normal hours if it meant that Bradley needed him too; you don’t get that kind of caring everywhere.  If I find that again I will know that God himself is taking a hand in Bradley’s life and bringing in the ones that are going to love him, not just care for him.  Do I expect this to happen for us again?  No.  Perhaps that is my lack of Faith, or perhaps that is my understanding that we were given the chance to know someone incredibly special and if you get that once in your lifetime, then consider yourself Blessed and don’t be greedy and ungrateful by expecting anything more.  Like I said, sometimes you just know when you are in the midst of the great moments and you hold them close and mourn their loss. 

I think about my Physical Therapist and all the Crew over there.  They kept me together until I had Bradley healthy enough so I could go ahead and fix my shoulder, and then they helped put me back together after the surgery.  I thought I didn’t really have any friends here after my other one had moved away, but then I realized I was wrong about that.  Turns out, I am leaving friends behind.  Somewhere along the way I came to care about these people, and I know how special that is too.  Will I find that again?  No.  Good care?  Yeah, if I need it I am sure I will.  The rest was a gift and I know that.  I hope that our paths cross again down the road and I will know I am lucky and yes, Blessed. 

It turns out leaving my Aunt is ridiculously hard.  It isn’t like I am going to be a half a world away and it isn’t like we saw each other every week.  I mean she has a rather busy life; I just have a kiddo that needs more than others.  But she’s the one that helped me through his first big surgery when I was so scared I could barely breathe, she helped me find the Faith to let me manage my fear.  And she’s the one that told me I was a good mom.  No one had ever told me that before her.  And oh my, how she loves my son!  If you want to see magic, watch them together.  I’m not sure a then 78 year old lady should have been hanging out on the floor playing with him, but it worked beautifully for both of them…and it is nestled in my heart where I will never forget, even if Bradley can never remember.   There’s other family here too, my cousins that I know were the biggest reason we came through so much of Bradley’s stuff relatively unscathed.  Man am I already missing them! 

So it wasn’t perfect here, at times it was harder than any place in my life has ever been, but we were where we needed to be to put one step in front of the other and keep moving.  Forward, backward, sometimes both directions at once.  That part will not change no matter where we go, the dance stays the same even if the music changes.  For us, the music is changing we just have to keep dancing.