Bradley doesn't say a lot, and the words he makes are usually little parts of words, and I have mentioned this before, but most the time they come in whispers. I can remember the moments when all three of my kids said "momma" and I cried all three times, it was that magical. With Bradley it was so unexpected I actually looked at him and said what, and he was kind enough to say it again. I hear it all the time now, and I thought I was good with it, but considering how little he truly says, it always makes my heart warm to hear it. And maybe that's the way it was always meant to be, maybe the lack of voice and the whispered words he occasionally drops were the catalyst I needed to make sure I was hearing him, that I was always ready to catch all the whispers.
We are still signing, more than ever. We sit together watching "Signing Time" and Bradley signs the little girl's namesign, and verbally says "Leah"; honestly, it's adorable! His voice is adorable. At school they tell me that he is making all the sounds but just not putting them all together to make words. His Speech teacher said she wants to push verbal next year, and I found myself saying "Great! But I need him to learn more signs too. I need him to be able to talk to me about what he needs and how he feels. I need him to realize that the word is so much easier than the sign that he uses the word." She smiled at me, and nodded...she understood and agreed. She thinks I am savvy... she doesn't realize I am just desperate to understand my son and not be the only one he can talk too.
I've been signing "I love you" to Bradley since he was born. Geesh, I've signed "I love you" to the girls their whole lives. They signed that back to me almost as soon as they were saying it...signs did not go well with the girls and I. They both had a lot to say and especially Sydney, wanted to say it starting at a baby ten months old. Bradley has been seeing it, and occasionally he will return an approximation of the sign back, sometimes to me, but usually to Madison or Sydney. Dad gets a lot. When I say approximation, I mean, he makes a fist and his index finger points up, then he shakes his hand. He doesn't have the dexterity to make the whole sign. But we know what he means.
Thursday night, I was leaving to go to dinner with my Aunt and two cousins (who I had not seen in too many years) ... I hugged and kissed the girls and then went for Bradley. Dad told him to tell Mommy bye-bye. As I bent to hug him bye, I told him "I love you" like I always do...this time, he said, "love you" back to me. I just held him in that moment; suspended between now and forever, when time slips away and the joy of his words filtered through my brain and into my heart. And I recognized the feeling of my soul being refilled and my heart overflowing because I have been lucky enough to have exerienced this kind of joy before. Slowly the world came back into view and sound and I could hear the others commenting on hearing him say it to me. And I could just look at Eric as he smiled, proud of his son and happy for me, commenting that it was the first time he ever said it to anyone. His first "I love you" and he gave it to me. How on earth did I ever deserve such a gift? How on earth did it not go to Daddy, as I wholy expected it would. All the years of worry, of fighting to keep him here, to get him healthy and build his immune system, his brain, his feeding...all the frustrations slipped away in one tiny heartbeat: his against mine, and every triumph we have paled for one slight moment in this moment. That was magic. I held my third miracle in my arms and felt utter Joy bcause he told me two little words.
In the mystery of Bradley, I have not heard it since. And I don't know when he will say it again, but I don't think if. I think when. He said it once, he will put it away for awhile and wait for the perfect moment to bring it back out, perhaps for good next time. Through all the times that my Joy for my son was stolen from me, from us...it is through Bradley himself that Joy returns in a rush. We have only to watch and listen so we don't ever miss it. My heart is full and I am truly Blessed.
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