Staring

Staring....

Is it ever okay to stare?  I mean I have, does that make me a horrible person?  Every time I gave birth to one of my kids I couldn't stop staring at them.  They were absolutely beautiful to look at and absolutely awe-inspiring because somehow between the two of us Eric and I had made amazing, beautiful babies.  What a gift!  And then with Bradley there was more staring, he was A BOY!  I did not know what to do with a boy, I had only raised girls thus far, so to say I was nervous and intimidated to suddenly be thinking about raising a boy is an understatement.  I was perfectly willing to hand this little bundle to his dad and wish them both luck.  I mean, Eric is way more qualified in this area than I am, so it seemed logical.  Well, until he got here, and as I stared at his perfect little face and held his warm little body that had finally, if temporarily, stopped kicking me...well, it seemed likely I might not hand him over completely.  When he didn't nurse well, that sort of sealed our fate, Bradley and I.  I don't take too kindly to failing at something, so I was determined that I would do all I could help him learn to nurse.  If he couldn't do it, so be it...but it wouldn't be for lack of my effort.

Bradley had a couple other things going on too, and I stared at that.  They said he had Down syndrome, I stared and stared looking for it.  I gazed into this big blue eyes and there was so much in them...knowledge, understanding and love that there were times I would forget what I was looking for.  But over time we would start to see it, but more than one person just asked if the docs, if we were sure...they just couldn't see it.  It wasn't like he was wearing a sign, if he'd been wearing a sign it would have been one for Jaundice...cause when I looked for it, I saw that.  And he had this cyst on his hand and on his toe.  And in the grand mix of emotions and 'things' going on with Bradley I wasn't too worried, but I was aware of them.  And when my Dermatologist came and looked and told me that they would go away and had nothing to do with my little bout of cancer - I released a breath I should have been holding.  I hadn't thought of that, I hadn't had time to worry about that possibility.

I stared at Eric a lot.  Watched as his Grizzly Adams beard came in...watched as he rocked our son.  I watched as he told Bradley all the cool things they were going to do together as he grew up.  I watched him tell our son that he is "Daddy's Buddy!"  I watched him tell our son he loved him, and I watched him love him.  I couldn't tear my eyes away.

Fast forward a few years...Bradley lying in a PICU, tubes everywhere.  Horrifying to my mommy eyes.  I tried not to cry, and for the most part I didn't give in to tears...I held it together pretty well.  But did I stare at my son?  Yes, long and hard.  I took in every breath, every movement.  I stared at the new g-tube button that marred his perfect belly with it's big ugly presence.  I tried to see it as the ally it was meant to be....but that took time.  But deep inside, after moments passed and this image of my son took the place of our old image, I began to see Bradley and I chose to see the potential for his survival.  I knew all the things that could go wrong.  I had been told why we shouldn't do the surgery when they wanted to postpone the first time.  Now this second time, I knew what could go wrong and I knew we had to try anyway because he wasn't going to survive without the surgery.  Our new normal.  Our new chance at life, but just a little more different than we'd begun to realize when he was born different.

So about the staring...in all things there are at least two ways to approach a subject, a problem.  Some parents choose to yell at anyone that stares at their kid, some choose to ignore...some choose to educate...There you go...at least two ways and I gave you three.  Maybe we need four, understanding. Understanding that the price of an exceptionally wonderful child is that he or she might look a little different. We don't mind if our child is stared at because he or she is beautiful.  It's something in the look, the observers expression that is our biggest issue.  Are they finding fault with my child?  Me?  How should I react?  I get why parents yell at people for staring.  When someone is looking at your child with disgust, or dislike...there's a positively primitive part of me that wants to blacken both their eyes.  Perhaps this is not natural to anyone but me and perhaps I need anger management...not sure...  But why lie?  I don't want you to disparage my children, I want all three of them to be looked at with respect and kindness.  And let's face it, I yell at a kid because he stares at my son and that kid walks away scared...of me, of Bradley, of people who are like Bradley.  Yeah, that helped in the whole world of acceptance now didn't it?  And in the process I just became a different type of bully.  Nope, yelling is out.  Another part of me just wants to ignore like some parents do.  They don't understand, so they stare.  And yet, I also want to educate which is way easier when the parents aren't around.  Kids get an explanation, process it, ask natural questions, accept the answers and are pretty accepting of Bradley.  When the parent is around the kids ask the questions, get the answers then take a cue from their parent.  Sadly, that cue is often a look of disgust, unease, dislike...that 'glad that happened to your kid and not mine' look.  Makes a sane parent want to fall back onto that blacken both eyes plan.  Yeah I know, it's not right and all the kids are watching to learn the best way to handle these situations.  Talk about pressure!  I always try to hold my anger, because my anger would only upset Bradley and the girls.  The last thing I would want is for them to think that the person is doing something awful because there is something wrong with one of them.

I want to be strong.  I want to be able to lift my chin and say "Stare away!" Stare until you are so familiar with Bradley that you no longer see the differences, that you see how much he is just like you and how much he is a person with feelings.  I want to be strong like that.  But my strength is only measured by Bradley's.  If he is staring back in curiosity, then so be it.  If he is turning away because the person is making him uncomfortable, guess who's likely to say something?  As I have a tendency to be blunt, (hear the intakes of breath as so many of you are shocked by this?) I am likely to say: "He's three, his name is Bradley."  A reminder that he is a person and he is my son...that he is a child...find your 'kind' eyes potato head fans and put them on; you're gazing upon something I find priceless.  

What have we learned today?  That I haven't figured out what to do about people who stare at my son. How I want to react and how I do or will, well...let's just say it's a work in progress.  It's interesting though, I find that the people who stare the most at us, at Bradley; are the ones that want to approach and ask about him, talk about him, tell me about someone they know and love who is like him.  Science may be trying to rid the world of Down syndrome and as a byproduct our loved ones that have it...but all in all, a lot of people who are Blessed with a connection to someone with Down syndrome, don't want to lose that connection.