Her Lifetime

Twelve Years

 

It's interesting really when you consider lifetimes.  My daughter turned twelve years old...her lifetime is twelve years, her sister's, nine years.  Their brother, four years.  And when I think about what we've done it makes me sigh, twelve years ago we were in Japan and getting ready to come home.  At nine years, we were living in the desert.  And then at seven years ago we were living in our own house...but one that neither girl remembers as it was sold at the beginning of Bradley's lifetime.   And in the last three and a half years before Bradley's lifetime, we lived in Japan, again.  And there we had the fullest life, the busiest, the most outgoing years of my daughters' lives. 

When we lived in Japan the second time, Madison was 4 when we arrived.  She got her first job before I did, and I was just a little intimidated by this.  In hindsight, I could have given up my work all together and taken her to enough modeling and acting gigs to keep us both working full-time.  But I thought I needed to work and bring home some of the bacon, so her work was only a bit curtailed by mine.  She absolutely loved smiling for that camera, and she was like a push button kid.  It never bothered her if they didn't choose her and it never made her much of a brat when they did.  And she had SO much fun doing it all.  When we weren't there, we were at the Little Theater on base, and I was watching, sometimes typing on a laptop, while the girls took as many dance and tumbling classes as they could, and as many as their mom could handle sitting through... even I get bored with typing my own thoughts sometimes.  And that was the second half of her life. 

Now, here we are in what would be her third part...or the whole of Bradley's lifetime.   And we are asking so much of these kids.  It's not that the carefree days are gone, we've just learned that there are important moments and events that are going to impact the way we can live, what we can do, how we can get through each day.  It's a fact of life, and it's been a difficult adjustment.  Now, my twelve year old is moving into pre-teen years and she is carrying the burdens of understanding, and worry , with her.  This lanky, athletic kid is becoming a young lady, and she is trying to do so with grace.  My girl.  My mini-me.  She carries my eyes, my nose and my tendency for thin hair...but carries her Dad's build and coloring.   She has her Dad's penchant for perfection...definitely not from me. ;-)  I couldn't even pretend that with a straight face if I tried.  Madison is not one to take a mistake she makes lightly...and I am the one that is constantly trying to talk her down, talk her around to the fact that our mistakes are the lessons we learn that take us down the path we want to go. 

She's trying to find her way, and in one moment she wants complete independence from me, and then the next thing I know she's wrapped herself around me in a desperate attempt to recapture her hold on her childhood...but her Dad and I can see that childhood slipping out of her grasp.  She has discovered boys and not just in the I have a crush on that boy band super star way, but in the, Mom why doesn't a boy at school want to go out with me?  I try to diffuse this one the best I can, reminders that she can't date yet, she's too young.  And her earnest reply of "It would be nice if one would at least ask" feels like a direct quote from my own life.  I was not the sought after date potential in my school days, so I am the last person to be asking about stuff like this, but here she is, asking the only person she can.  I try to explain to her how my school days were filled with my attempt to be a good enough Volleyball player to deserve being on the team, all the while trying to keep up with those that were so much smarter than me in my classes.  I try to explain how I didn't even have any self awareness in Junior and Senior High to give myself credit for the brains I had.  I didn't start doing that until I was in College.  My daughter is already working through this.  She decided that she wanted Straight A's for the last report card...so I told her to keep doing what she was doing but she would have to put more effort in some specific areas.  She listened, she did and she brought home straight A's.  I showed her the report card and she started to cry as she threw her arms around me.  "I said I wanted to do it and I did!" she sobbed on me. 

I held her tight and smiled, "I knew you would because you said you would." 

"Thanks for believing in me Mom."  Her teary reply.

Mine: "I'm always going to believe in you.  If you say you are going to do something, I know you will do the work and walk the road to get it." 

Best thanks mom I've had in a while. 

So maybe I am too over protective and worry when I let her take her new bike and her sister to the park alone.  But I let them go.  And I try to find ways to let her and her sister test their wings in a safe way and I know that safe is not always best.  But here's the truth.  In our house, in their lives, we are walking a path lined with powder kegs.  There is nothing safe here.  There are only safe seeming moments of rest before the walk up the mountain begins again.  I don't know what the next step for us will be, and I don't know how it is going to impact my daughter's life and shape her next lifetime.  But this is what I do know.  After a week at her grandmother's house, Madison could hardly stand the wait to see her brother and couldn't wait to go get him when he woke from his nap.  She snuggled him, she changed him, she vented him, she sat him down to feed him, and while she did she talked to him with her voice and her hands.  She wanted to connect with him and recapture the time they had been separated.  I am proud of her heart and her love.  To me she is beautiful on the outside and deep inside in her heart.  Her love is pure, her love is strong, and her love does not waver.  She will find the good in you, and she will help you nourish what you have and make it grow.  My Madison makes the world a brighter and more beautiful place just by being in it and by caring about the rest of us here with her. 

She's perfect in her imperfections, and it makes my heart soar with how much I love her and love being her mom.  So Happy Birthday my beautiful girl, your lifetime has been the greatest gift of my life!