Music Part Two

Bradley's Love of Music

I think Bradley's love of music happened in the womb.  I was always playing music.  I thought he might come out spouting grammar rules as well, but luckily that hasn't happened as yet!  But after he was born I sang to him just like I did with his sisters.  There was a certain lullaby that I wanted to sing to him, one that I had sang countless times to the girls, but the lyrics hit so close to home the first time I tried I burst into tears.  So I avoided it, and I sang other songs to him.  When he laughed at me when I sang him "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" I tried not to take offence.  As I told him then, "You're a baby, what do you know?"  And yet the little laugh was so very cute, I kept singing it to him anyway.  I had also taken to singing the song from Disney's Tarzan, "You'll Be in My Heart."

And then it happened, one day Eric looked at me and reminded me that I had yet to sing "Baby Mine" to him.  Guilt coursed through me.  I had wanted to sing it to him and I had tried but the lyrics had defeated me:  

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The chance to hold you.

From your head to your toes
Your not much, goodness knows
But your so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine. 


source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/miscellaneouslyrics/lullabylyrics/babyminelyrics.html

I was terrified that I was stopping because the line "So precious to me" might not be true.  Was that true for my son and I?  Were his sisters more precious to me than him, was that why I didn't want to sing the song to him?  The way he stared into my eyes with such trust and his only way to tell me how much he loved me, I didn't want to believe that there might be something lacking in me.  His incredible blue eyes looked into my soul and didn't flinch away - surely that meant I wasn't truly lacking right?  And though it tore at me to sing "Baby Mine", it wasn't like I wasn't choosing lullabies that had no heart or were not sweet.   "You'll Be In My Heart" the short version from the movie or the Phil Collins version whenever all the words came to me, certainly packs a sweet punch:


Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always

Being the person I am, I looked at the lyrics in both songs and let them roll through my mind.  I realized that I was stumbling over the idea that "Baby Mine" from Dumbo was intended to be sung to a little elephant whose big ears made him different.  The infant in my arms was different as well.  In fact, there was nothing I could do to change this and just as that little boy in the movie would be hateful to Dumbo and hurt his feelings; I knew then and know now that there will be those that will hurt my son's heart and his spirit.  I can try to stop it, I can advocate on his behalf and try to ease the way down the path he has to follow, but all I truly know is that I will be there when he needs me.  There is a bond that can't be broken between Bradley and I and it has everything to do with how incredibly precious he is to me.   What I also recognized what that I chose a lullaby that would soothe my son but also rang with a fierce protective voice that circled in my head and settled into my heart.  Understanding the needs of my heart helped to ease the guilt that I was feeling and now, I sing both to him...because they are both true.