Life in a Picture

As I listen to my girls fight; seemingly non-stop, I sometimes wonder where things went awry so harshly that they hate each other...or act like they do.  But then once in awhile their true feelings come through and we see instead something that is much different.  A perfect example...put them in front of a camera and arms instantly go around each other.  If you look close, it's as if Madison is holding her sister, always.  I was looking through some pictures and each one that had both girls showed Sydney either in Madison's lap, in front of her with Madison's arms around her, or arms around each other side by side.  So this makes me think two things... either in the future they will be great friends because deep down they truly care about each other..or they should be actresses because they sure act like they like each other and looking back at these pictures they're going to have people believe that they were great friends.  Is that their plan?  Are they going  to tell their squabbling children that they don't understand the unrest because they got along so well...I mean look: my sister and I were very close!  Bah!  Bring the kids to Grandma...I'll set 'em straight!

Despite my cynicism I choose to hold to the hopes that they do truly love and care about each other.  I suppose all siblings fight (?) or at least I hope so.  I know it is part of growing up, and it's not easy having someone who KNOWS everything about you always hanging around you pointing out your flaws, reminding you of your imperfections.  I think we have a tendency to do that for ourselves, but it occurs to me that we might do that now - because we were taught that when we were kids and our siblings made sure we knew all about these faults we have.  Gee thanks...  Regardless, I keep picking up the camera and trying to capture proof of kindred spirits (of tomorrow - apparently).

Which brings me to Bradley.  Since my surgery, Madison has had to step into a more active role as big sister.  Suddenly, her cuddly brother has a temper and a personality and opinions of his own she had no idea about.  Yet through them all, she is still an adoring older sister who only yells when he hits first.  So there's a lot of yelling.  HAHA...  With Bradley's pictures both girls still fight over who will hold him, who will hug him in each shot.  There is a little more division between them in these shots, but the end result is pretty sweet harmony.  And people wonder why I don't shoot more video!  BAH!!!  Talk about ruining an illusion.

This was our clear shot, perfect clarity

And here's the one that meant the most to me, perfect harmony with a little blur.  

When you look through my pictures there are a ton of Bradley.  Looking back there have been a ton of both girls, I used to make sure we had a picture for every month so we wouldn't forget how they grew, but less digital of them.  With Bradley there aren't such clearly defined monthly increments; however, there are still a lot of pictures.  But I felt a lot of personal pressure regarding Bradley and his pictures.  Here was this new baby - a new baby with a special diagnosis and if I didn't document him in photos would people think that I didn't love him as much as the other kids?  Hmmm...  Is that what we think when a family with three typical kids has fewer pictures of their third child than the first or second?  No we think that the obvious happened: Life.  We don't think or conceive of an emotion like shame or guilt.   So why did I put so much pressure on myself?  I did, a lot.  He had his birth announcements within weeks and I had a hardback book made to commemorate the first few days, weeks of his life so he'd always have it.  Pressure...  What struck me then was this: what if Bradley doesn't care or notice, why am I worried so much.  But someone would notice, two someones; two someones I hope will love me for the rest of their lives.  What would the girls think if we were short on pictures of Bradley, if we didn't make the same kind of a big deal over him.  So I did the quickly made photo book through snapfish...I think it was.  But here's where it gets dicey, what are they going to say when they look back and I get this: "Why don't we have photobooks of us as babies?"  Ahhh...Matrix like bullet dodging later I remember: Madison has a scrapbook baby photo book that my friend put together for her and in so many ways more special.  So she's good.  Sydney...well, hmmm - let's just say I have some work to do on that front before this question gets asked.

So I kind of felt like I had swung the opposite direction, that I was overdoing it so to speak.  But it occurred to me that I had at my fingertips something I didn't have with the girls, a camera phone.  I could take picture after picture of Bradley on the cell phone and it was easy...but sometimes the picture was grainy.  So I had this really quite adorable little guy and just started picking up a regular old digital camera.  I put the girls in the shots, I get them alone, I get him alone..but I share less of them.  I find this conflicting.  I share enough to keep them happy as they are the wheels on this family train and they deserve their recognition, but I try to use safeguards as well for them.  I put more out of Bradley, I do that on purpose, but am still conflicted.  People abuse the pictures of our special kiddos all the time.  But here's my spin: the more you see how wonderful and cute Bradley is, the more you will accept him.  The more you see him as he grows, the more you will be willing to accept his changes.  The more you look, the more familiar you will become and the less you will turn away or be shocked.  Perhaps this explains why we stare at accidents, a safe way to absorb tragedy to better learn to cope...grrr, a thought for another day.

Regardless, getting back on track here...I mostly let the kids take the lead.  When I try to force a picture like little mules they dig in and won't smile.  Currently, to get a picture of Bradley I have to chase him down.  I made a Thank You sign so that I could take a picture of Bradley holding the sign so that we could thank everyone that has helped with our dream of a Service Dog for him.  It's a little blurry, but he was clapping and that seemed poetic.  Our life is rarely met with moments of crystal clarity, often there is perfection in the moments that are a little blurry on the edges but spectacular at the core.  My girls will fight to the point that Bradley and I have learned to sign "Stop Fighting" ;-) this is so funny for them to see it usually helps them forget to keep fighting.  And it's okay that they squabble, I just take in the moments of peace between them and hold onto those very tightly.

So I just keep taking pictures of them, I keep recording their lives now so that when they are older they CAN say, "See I loved my siblings!" and maybe they will take their own pictures as much to say "Look I love my sister and I love my brother!" but also to say to each other: "I love you!"