To LA for Sydney

 October 20, 2020

Bradley isn’t the only one in the family to have health issues.  Dad has a bunch; in fact, this virus running around is scariest for him over any of the family.  But Sydney is also compromised, her asthma is concerning around this virus too.  But she has been having some issues with her sinuses the last couple years, so we have been trying to unravel that.  Literally; a year ago, we were supposed to see the Sinus Specialist at CHLA, And after an incredible amount of appointments being postponed and rescheduled, she finally had her appointment today.  And it kind of sucked because we could finally get in and the sad part is that only one parent could attend.  We’re talking about the doctor that talks about potential surgeries as her main focus of practice, but both parents aren’t with Sydney in order to hear it all and both ask questions.  Not every hospital is following the same protocol.  Eight miles down the road at UCLA, both parents would be welcomed into the room.  CHLA only allows one unless you can get special permission to get both parents to attend.  Sydney doesn’t fight like Bradley, so just one parent is necessary.  

So I drove her down there and Eric stayed here with Bradley.  Bradley had therapy and from the video Eric showed me, he was doing fantastic without mom hanging around.  I figured he would, but sometimes he actually does miss me and will spend some time asking for me every few minutes anyway.  I don’t know if he ever asked for me today, but I can say that I spent a few minutes in the van glancing behind me and forgetting that Bradley wasn’t with me.  :-). He spends a lot of time with me.  

Sydney and I got checked in to her appointment and waited for the doc.  It is always tedious to have to go through her list of medicines, but it is truly frustrating and a tiny bit nerve wracking when they don’t have all of her meds on the list, especially something like her Advair.  So I was concerned, but worked through their list to make sure they were up to date.  The doc came in about five minutes later and I was relieved to know that she had the notes that came from Sydney’s pediatrician so we weren’t completely reinventing the wheel so to speak.  

We have a few more answers now, and we have a plan to get even more answers.  We know that Sydney has a Deviated Septum, but we just aren’t sure where her Reflux issues fit into the picture and which way we should go from here.  At least we are going forward at last so that feels better to all of us I think.  Of course, the longer we are relatively shut down in our state, the less she is around others and their germs and the less she gets her infections.  But the doc was pretty funny, “When, not if, you get your next infection, call or email me so we can look at you right away so we can determine where your infection is beginning.”  

So just another piece in the puzzle of figuring out my middle kiddo.  She keeps the medical world guessing as much as Bradley does.  I am just grateful that the two of them try to space things out so I don’t have them both struggling at the same time all that often.  

Sydney has gone off to Volleyball practice with Dad, while Madison is hanging out here with me watching the Baseball game.  As for Bradley, he is true to his usual form.  Lately, about 7 each night, sometimes at 6:30, he walks down the hall and sits across from my bedroom door and stares at the blinking light from our computer. This is sort of our trigger that he is ready to start winding down his day.  Tonight was no different.  I took him in, gave him his medicine, and then put him in the shower.  He likes showers, but he likes to stand in the corner of the shower so I can barely reach him.  And he can never figure out why it is that I can’t keep from getting his face with water...Well Bradley, maybe if I could reach you better I could keep the water off your face and just on your hair.  Stubborn little guy.  Who does he remind me of? Hmmm....

But he is settling for the night, so it’s time for some snuggling and then putting him to bed for at least a few hours before we hang out again.  Sigh...  Not sure if he missed me, but I kind of missed him.  I usually do, and I usually miss him more than he misses me.  Haha.  But that’s cool, that’s mom’s job after all.  

Working Hard

 October 19, 2020

Bradley likes to turn on every Go-Go Smart car he has and then leave them to make little humming sounds that try to drive me absolutely crazy.  You see their batteries are slowly dying.  Once the battery is officially dead, I ditch the batteries.  He has so many that my pocketbook and my sanity could not survive replacing all the batteries.  So I only replace a few of them.  Most of the time I have to go through every single car and test it to see which one is actually on.  Either way, last night I had Madison pick them all up for me and she tested each to make sure they were off.  Apparently, she missed one.  This morning before we left for therapy, Bradley paused on the way out the door because Madison had forgotten a car, so Bradley had to pick it up and go put it away in his box of cars.  Leaving the living room tidy, we were able to walk out the door and head to therapy.  

Too bad mom asked him to wear a sweatshirt.  That was a major wrench in his plans, and then dad didn’t want to let him change his shirt... so mom thought we could compromise.  I offered to let him change his shirt if he wore his sweatshirt.  So he put his new shirt on and then put his sweatshirt on and walked out to the car - grumbling all the way.  

Once in the car, he proceeded to enjoy watching Cars on the DVD player in the van.  And when I say he enjoyed it, he was busy all the way to therapy trying to repeat every phrase from the movie and at the top of his lungs.  There wasn’t a ton of clear phrases, but there was a whole lot of us hearing him yell, “McQueen” and a whole lot of sound effects that McQueen makes that Bradley was copying pretty well.  Luckily for Bradley, he was super cute as he was trying to copy what he was hearing for two reasons...    1. He slept even less last night than usual (how the heck is that even possible?  I have no idea!) and 2. Within moments of getting put in his seat, he did mange to wriggle out of his sweatshirt from the top down, all while not coming out of his seatbelt harness.  Once we got to Therapy and he stood up out of his seat we finishing unzipping his sweatshirt and he didn’t have to wear it to therapy.  

He did great for both therapy sessions and when we got home I had to put him on his Zoom session with his school.  He fussed quite a bit, might have thrown his juice cup in frustration, but after some breathing and working through it - he came around when they mentioned pumpkins.  Since they were having some trouble getting their video to load, I let Bradley share the pumpkin that Sydney got for him, along with the other two small ones we have, along with one that Madison brought home, and another larger one that Sydney brought home and had drawn a face on it for him.  He was quite proud of all of them, and managed to listen, if not concentrate on the story they had for him and the other little girl that was in class today.  

We finished class and he came and asked me for his movie, which he enjoyed for a bit.  He came into the kitchen and asked for a popsicle, so I made him eat his lunch and told him he couldn’t have a popsicle because his behavior therapist was due within the hour.  So he took a bite of peanut butter and jelly - determined that he wasn’t a fan - then opted for peaches instead.  He enjoyed them and then decided not to  ask for a popsicle again, and just headed back to the living room instead.  

When his movie died, we took care of his diapering and meds and then when we came back out we decided to watch some Mickey Shorts and don his IronMan Costume.  He finds the Mickey Shorts to be quite funny and he usually laughs his butt of.  This time he found it more interesting to keep watching Eric and I as we chuckled through them, making faces at me all the while.  

By the time his therapist arrived, he had decided he was too warm in his costume and had stripped that off.  He didn’t want to answer the door today, but he did come running (he may complain, but he loves his therapist) and gave her a very enthusiastic “HI!”  And then worked through “Come in please.”  

I learned that he is tall enough to reach the top of the phonograph Eric gave me, because on top are his Token boards.  One for earning a popsicle and one for earning his movie.  He took them both down and then took a careful look at them both before handing her the token board for earning his movie and tried to put the popsicle one back.  I almost lost it.  Smart boy.  She told him she needed the one to earn his popsicle first please, so he agreed and gave her the correct one and then sat down to get to work at playing.  It was still pretty awesome.  I love seeing all the times that he is trying to outsmart us, trying to manipulate to his advantage, being so much a typical little boy.  It makes my heart so happy!  

He worked for his popsicle, but when he came to the kitchen and I asked him what he wanted, he decided to change his popsicle choice to a cookie.  He was super clear and super happy to have a cookie instead.  It was really great.  

He of course was slightly more stubborn than his usual, but then he was a busy guy and really working his little brain to try to out maneuver all of us this afternoon and evening.  He is way tired now, and sacked out.  He worked really hard today.  It doesn’t seem like much when you lay it out like I have here; but my goodness, my little boy had a very full and busy day today.  Every little sound and every little attempt to communicate is such a big deal, and so much work to achieve - at the end of the day it is super exhausting.  If we could get his brain to relax some more, he might sleep more.  But given his moderate apnea, if we could help him breath better at night...he might sleep better and be ready to wake up and talk to all of us.  

But that’s ok, one day at a time.  One great day at a time, especially when he puts in the kind of work he did today.  

A Sunday - The Good and the Bad

 October 18, 2020

Sydney went to play in a scrimmage type tournament this afternoon.  They went 1-1.  Eric dropped her off because of course parents couldn’t stay...although one set chose to set up their live stream so that they could justify being in the gym.  Not sure why they both had to be there, but hey - they have managed to figure out a loophole so good on them.  I’d say I wish I had thought of it myself, but I told Eric he should run the camera so he could stay, but the Director told him he would have to sit in a small, claustrophobic room to do it.  Turns out, not so much.  

So while Eric did that, Bradley and I hung out here.  He decided that he wanted to know why his mom kept stepping outside with the dogs so he finally came outside too.  He watched me throw the ball for the dogs from his favorite perch on his stool.  Eric even joined us for a little bit and then when we thought we were done - or rather I think the dog was hoping we were done, Bradley went and got the ball and threw it between us so we knew that he wanted to keep watching Sheba bring the ball back.  I personally think that he was enjoying Reba chasing the ball down and trying to corral it since it is bigger than her head and there is no way she can pick it up.  Mostly, she gets frustrated by her inability to pick up the ball then runs likes a maniac all over the yard.  She has these amazing leaps that cover quite a distance and make her look like she is flying.  I personally think that this is Bradley’s favorite part. Or maybe that’s my favorite part and I like to pretend it’s Bradley’s too.  Either way, he watches and laughs with us about it.  

So we all came back inside and now the dogs are still pooped and lying around the way dogs do.  Bradley watched his movie until the battery died and then I pulled out a jumbo floor puzzle of the ABC’s while Eric and Sydney were gone.  I laid out the poster to help him match the pieces better and hopefully keep frustration down.  I think that next time we should try without the poster because he was moving through the pieces like nothing.  He isn’t quite up to date on the alphabet, but I love to hand him a puzzle piece and hear him say “Egg”.  Maybe it wasn’t the letter and he wasn’t really indicating that he recognized the letters as we worked through the puzzle, but when he was willing to identify the objects in the puzzle, I was willing to let that go and celebrate what he could do.  Do I wish that the puzzle makers had chosen things like: “D - Dog”  Or “I - Ice” instead of “D - Dinosaur” and “I - Ink” ?  Why yes, that might help a whole lot in his ability to identify what he sees in the puzzle.  But I guess it will just be more exciting when he says D for Dinosaur and I for Ink.  Sigh.  

Anyway, now Bradley is busy pushing his cars through a tunnel - which is actually a hollow roller that his sisters use to rollout tight muscles etc.  Anyway, they have a new one that is not hollow, because Bradley has decided that this one is his and necessary for his successful tunnel (pretend play).  Or at least that is what I have decided as the mom in this house.  :-).  He likes to send them through and then line them up on the couch cushion beside him, if you by chance choose to touch his cars, he will then take them back and put them back through the tunnel because you have apparently contaminated them - and then send them back towards the cushion.  He likes to also set his movie into the edge between the cushions so it stands and he can set the cars before it like they are all watching a drive-in movie.  We have had to be very careful to remove any extra cars to make sure he stays even, because that is a level of flexibility that he has not reached.  But that’s okay, we’re working on it.  When he is done with all that, he likes to have his cars roll through his tunnel off the couch and apparently off the ‘cliff’.  When he started this I would grab their box and put it under the tunnel, and he thought it was hilarious that they rolled through the tunnel and into their box.  He won’t always adjust to make sure they have their box to roll into when he is on the couch, but when I tell him to clean up and they are on the floor, he will sit next to the box and every car will enter the box by way of the tunnel.  He has a great time and I have a clean living room...definitely a win-win situation for mom.  

All in all, a relatively quiet Sunday in our house.  Bradley played a lot and is now sacked out snoozing.  Madison is at work and we are waiting for her to get home from that soon.  And Sydney is trying to stay awake herself after having her first tournament in quiet a while.  Meanwhile, Eric is watching a baseball game I have no vested interest in this year, and when I finish here...I’ll probably go finish a couple books I am working through.  I guess the truth of a life with Bradley is that quite simply, there are more days like everyone else’s days then there are days that are as different or as extra as his chromosomes.  I whole heartedly miss watching my daughter play volleyball, and this will be the hardest season for me than we have ever had; but hanging with Bradley is always the same, a time for play, and learning, and growth - we can count on that always being the same when we are together so that helps.  

Have a wonderful Sunday night Friends!  

Ah, Such Small And Sweet Successes

 October 17, 2020

The weather the last few days has been insanely hot and yesterday a ton of wind.  Enough wind that I am always slightly hesitant to take Bradley to the car even because of it. This morning the heat was greatly delayed and the wind had stopped, what a relief.  I have been trying to get Bradley outside on our good days in the past few weeks; but for some reason, I am having a hard time encouraging him to go outside.  And when I say a hard time, I mean, I am sitting outside or playing with a ball outside and calling to him and Bradley just looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, turns and walks off somewhere deeper into the house.  Granted it has been pretty warm and Bradley really can’t handle the heat or make his body adjust to the heat.  So I know that he isn’t all that interested in being outside.  Plus, his sisters aren’t coming out to play so what’s the point of playing on his play yard or even playing ball when your only playmate is your mom?  So, you know there’s that.  

Not sure why, but today was the day.  For whatever reason, today he decided that the weather was perfect, and the timing was right - so he took his mom outside to play.  I don’t do the play yard, but I do have some experience playing volleyball, so while he sat on his favorite stool (let’s not get exercise crazy or anything) he let me help put his hands in the right position and we worked on his passing. I think he has real potential at being a passer once he learns to keeps his arms together, to look at the ball, and maybe to stand up.  Really minor adjustments when you think about it.  But we did that for a bit, and he got bored and just looked at me.  So I got tired of just standing there, and I decided to go sit.  

I set myself up to swing in one of the hammocks and called to Bradley to come sit with me.  Turns out, he has a better memory than I thought.  He remembers that typically, a snuggle with mom or dad in the hammock means a nap for Bradley.  Given the time of day, it is probably best he didn’t join me and come take a nap, we both would have wound up sunburn and since I just had a small pre-cancerous spot removed and didn’t have my hat, a nap in the sun is not on my list of things I want to do.  

But he did decide to climb into the other hammock.  Bradley brought a beach towel to put in his hammock and then climbed in and settled into a slight sway.  For the longest time, Bradley has always refused a swing of any kind.  Since June, the swing at therapy has been a cornerstone to helping him regulate and then get back on task to complete the work put before him.  Which is why when we found a hammock in the garage storage, we bought a frame and put it up.  That worked so well, we decided to get a second one.    Now when Bradley needs it, he has a sort of similar swing to use to help himself settle.  

Today, he almost settled himself into a nap in his own hammock on his own.  I’m not sure what really roused him, it might have been the warmth of the morning turning into the warmer early afternoon, but for some reason, he climbed carefully out of his hammock and walked into the house.  Of course, he soon after chose to walk to the kitchen and have peaches and a sandwich for an early lunch, so he might have just been hungry.  

Either way, I was happy that he was willing to come outside with me to play a little and get some fresh air on one of the rare good days we’ve had in the last few weeks.  Heat, smoke, and winds...it’s been rough.

In other good news of the day, he decided to leave his movie behind and enjoyed every meal at the table without it!  We worked more on drinking from an open cup and he is showing such wonderful progress with it.  We haven’t progressed past a Dixie cup and water, but he doesn’t seem to mind.  Today we actually used an open cup with a tongue block in his straw - it helps him to work on lip closure that helps him learn to close his lips on a cup.  He isn’t always willing to try, but today was just the kind of good day that had him trying.  He was more compliant with diapering and meds, and for once he was willing to work through choices with Madison to get what he wanted rather than throw a fit - showing such wonderful flexibility and patience.  

My little boy is growing up.  He is practicing all the skills he is trying to master throughout his twelve hours of behavior therapy a week.  Luckily, the ups and downs of therapy have settled into a nice balance between a very nice supervisor and a sweet therapist that Bradley loves.  And I am grateful.  Our last experience with attempted Behavior Therapy was such a negative, it was really hard for me to make the call and get it started again.  But I have learned a lot, I am more out spoken than I used to be, and I like to hope I am a little bit wiser and better equipped to negotiate the nonsense that comes with insurance and therapies.  Regardless, things are going well right now in therapies, and Bradley is willing to continue to work what he is learning with us - so I think we are having more success for sure. 

There are less tears and more smiles, so that’s really all I need.  

Have a great Saturday night.  Supposed to be another beautiful day tomorrow...so who knows, maybe more play time outside in the morning.  :-). We’ll see.  

When Others Control.

 October 16, 2020

I am struggling right now.  Really struggling.  I have weathered the storm that has blown across the last seven months with an attempt at calm, understanding, and humor.  I have tried to withstand the harsh realities of what is constantly battering my kids, my husband, my friends and family...and I have tried to be a quiet voice of hope and connection.  I have tried to stay optimistic and to pray that things are going to right and the sick will be healed and the virus will run its course and we will emerge back into life...and that somehow that semblance of life will be slightly altered, but maybe not completely re-shaped.  

But that isn’t happening.  

We have tried to keep perspective as each event or loss is acknowledged.  Madison was to have a last dance show, I mourned that one quietly as she mourned it loudly.  The same week they canceled Prom and the Senior Dance...then came Grad night, and Graduation and finally Grad Week.  Graduation hit me hard, you can’t get the special days back.  And my parents taught me about loss like that and how important it is to make sure that you recognize the big days and avoid the nonsense that might make you miss it.  When my parents Divorced, anger turned to kindness when they realized that my brothers and I would only be graduating from High School once, hopefully only marrying once... all those milestones that neither wanted to miss but they would have to be friendly enough to sit together in order to be a part of it.  At the time, my parents thought we might go to College, but it wasn’t a given back then.  My oldest brother jumped two feet into life and made it a great one and would marry a lovely lady.  My next oldest would go to College, and would jump into a great job that has lead to a great career and his life has increased with a beautiful family.  I would also go to College, marry a wonderful man who would show me the world and help me bring into it three amazing kids.  Pretty amazing lives really... and my parents have tried to be at all the milestones, and are now pretty good friends.  So helpful.  

So I know that these milestones are treasures to enjoy and not ignore or downplay. I agreed to be all in when my kids were born.  I couldn’t get pregnant for so long, that I just promised myself, and God and all the Fates that if I had children, I would be a part of all of it.  I would take them to their practices and all the dances, I would sit through all the band concerts (even the very first ones) without ear plugs.  What I didn’t know, was I would get weepy watching my wee girls in their first dance recitals, and then in every one after that.  No idea what the deal is with dance, but truth is truth, watching them dance always made me misty.  I would cheer loud and hard at their games...from basketball (maybe not as loud when I had the grandma from Colonia beside me in that one game), to softball and volleyball. When Sydney made a stop at second and threw a player out at first, I hollered.  When she slid into home under the tag to score the only run in a play-off, I jumped in the air in my excitement.  When Madison caught the only ball lifted into the outfield in the whole season and then sent a bullet to third to keep the girl from scoring, I whooped and hollered!  And when she hit her first homerun, I cried and cheered and cried some more.  When Bradley walked up the stairs at the gym by himself, I held my breath so my joy wouldn’t overflow and scare him.  And when I said “I love you” and he clearly said “I love you” back to me the first time...I managed to hold it together in front of others.  And when each one of my children called me “mama” for the first time - I always cried.  

My investment is real and is non-negotiable.  We were so grateful that the girls had their High School volleyball season last year, and my heart absolutely broke for all that was lost for my baseball playing nephews - and every other young athlete that had to sit down and not play.  And I am hearing there might be play this year, and I admit that I have my fingers crossed and I am holding my breath in the hopes that it actually happens.  I hope for the kids’ sake they all get to play.  And I do this knowing that as the guidelines are coming - officials are trying really hard to push the parents out of the gyms as much as possible, if not completely...they are finally cutting me off at the knees.  I can put up with a lot, I can bend and I can comply...but now, now they are starting to put forth guidelines that are making it where we can’t even be around to see our kids play.  

More and more it’s starting to look like it will be one of us driving Sydney to a tournament a couple hours away... and then sitting in the car to wait while she plays and then bring her home.  One parent might be allowed in for some of it, and maybe we can switch off - but Bradley won’t be allowed because no siblings.  So that means one of us has to stay home and one of us has to make the drive.  There is discussion of 23 persons per team - so the number of players and coaches and then the remainder can be parents...  Sydney is on a team of 14 girls.  The math sucks.  On our last team, the numbers were in our favor, it was rare to have more than four parents at a match and Eric and I were two of them.  This team already has more interest from the parents and more indication of involvement.  Which makes for a better team in all ways...except maybe in being able to watch them play.

I want to be there to watch her play, to share in the highs and lows that come with each match.  I want to see where she has improved and where her work should happen next.  I want to see that amazing play or the off centered pass that didn’t go as planned.  I want to be in this part of her life for as long as we have, because she is a Junior and will be off to College soon.  She wants to play College ball but who knows if she will or where, and if I will get to see her play at all in College.  Plenty of athletes make the team and never play a single minute, College ball is different.  Who knows what tomorrow holds for her.  So not being able to be a part of her play now, that is turning into the hardest pill for me to swallow.  In Vegas a couple years ago her team was headed to the winning bracket and my daughter went for a ball, her momentum took her up and over a chair to land on the other side and compressed her knee so badly her tournament was over and as I put my arm around her I wondered if this was the end of her playing as well...it was a rough injury.  I can’t imagine if I had not been there when it happened.  I can’t imagine not sweating through every play of the next game she played.  Watching and praying that her knee was back in the shape it needed to be for her to play safely.  I was very nervous and very determined that she not know.

We have to get her to practice, to tournaments, even the out of state ones...and now we aren’t allowed to watch play - but they sure want us to pay for everything.  Maybe someone will stream it for us.  I have noticed more and more of an attempt to push the parents from the gym in the past few years...looks like the pandemic has provided the ammunition to make it happen and I don’t see us going the other way again.  

My last place where I was welcome.  Teachers pushed us out of the girls’ school day once they hit middle school and then High School, hah...parent who?  Bradley’s school followed fast on the heels of that potential and we have no idea what happens there when they are in session. And I had a really hard time with being pushed out of Bradley’s school day...and now Sydney’s volleyball.  So yeah, I’m struggling now.  It is not logical and in the grand scheme of things probably selfish, but life happens fast and we only get these kids for a small amount of time before they head off into the lives they are going to live and our importance dwindles. 

The girls will not remember very much of their early childhood when Mom was with them everyday and all the things we did - sometimes mundane and sometimes crazy.  But they will remember now. They will take these memories with them and every once in a while they will dust them off and maybe tell their kids about their parents being a part of the everyday parts of their lives and going to all the volleyball.  How we made them feel better about the losses and made them glow in the celebration of the wins.  These are the kind of memories I wanted them to take with them.  At least Madison has them, and Sydney will have some, but it makes me sad that so many opportunities for more are being stopped so abruptly.  

Sydney could have a really amazing team this year.  They could be ranked pretty high and their games have potential to be really exciting.  I wish I could also be excited about it; but for me, I am dreading the season and ready for it to be over.  It all just makes me so very sad.  

So there you go, I’m just really struggling right now and I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  

The Path Ahead.

 October 15, 2020

I understand that life is about changing, but I am have found that I cannot seem to wrap my mind around change.  I know that we have quite a bit of changes headed in our direction as each day passes and the girls continue to grow.  And everyday, I try to wrap my brain around the truth of all that.  The girls are headed towards bright futures and amazing twists and turns that will open a world as bright and beautiful as each of them.  Madison is looking to try to understand her world and her place in it.  She is trying to determine what her future should truly open up to be, we only hope that she chooses the best path for herself that leads to as much happiness in her life and her career choice as is possible for her to have.  I try to help her keep her thoughts focused more on what she is hoping for from her life and not constantly wondering how she can start her future somewhere near us, near her brother.  She constantly worries about not being around should something happen to her brother or her dad.  We are trying to help her be brave enough to let us go and accept that transportation is available that will get her home if necessary.  And that life is what it is, and the truth of the matter will always remain that we cannot control what happens in our life when it comes to the health of someone we love.  

Sydney will be an interesting firebrand probably her whole life.  She vacillates between her interests and spends her days trying to decide what the future will hold for her.  She is not certain if she wants to go into medicine, or the military and then medicine...or if photography will be the way forward for her.  It is all quite interesting to sit on the sidelines and be her biggest cheerleader as she tries to move forward and choose the path that will bring her the greatest fulfillment in all areas of her life.  Though she is quite loving and attached to her brother, she is also not the oldest, so she does have some separation from the weight of being the responsible older sister, just as she is closer to her brother’s age so that she is more closely aligned to Bradley as his playmate.  Theirs is a different relationship altogether.  

The truth is, the future for them will be a continuous surprise to us as they move forward.  Eric and I are fully aware that the days are coming when we will be a threesome.  He, Bradley and I.  Five to six months ago, this prospect had me in quite a state of agitation.  The idea of Bradley and all his behaviors and tantrums had left us in such dismay most of each day, our future with him was really becoming concerning.  While I studied Behaviors, and I concentrated on trying to understand the ins and outs of how to React and not Respond to his behavior, I was also learning how to try to judge and then try to prevent the bulk of his tantrums by preventing the behaviors that would keep him from falling into tantrums.  What a crazy whirlwind of a circle. 

Therapy has helped Bradley to learn to be flexible; how to practice coping skills and mostly, he is learning that work does not always mean that there is no chance to move onto the things that he enjoys and wants.  So for once, change has turned out to offer a strange opportunity for a positive change in our house.  Bradley will still voice his protests to our requests, but he is also not as likely to turn to a raging tantrum that threatens his health and safety.  It is a win to be honest, he is safer and happening, and to me that is everything.  He still has rough spots in his days, but then we never asked for the rough spots to be removed completely; more like, we are merely hoping to figure out the pieces of Bradley to work on putting the puzzle together. We have learned so much about how to help Bradley and how to help him be a happier and calmer little boy with all the bright and wonderful prospects that lie ahead for him in the future.  Ours will not be a road of roses and rainbows, it will just be a road, and it will be a life - a very good life that we will spend together, wherever it will lead.  The girls are going to flit in and out of our lives like butterflies, or hummingbirds even, too quick to catch, too beautiful to ignore, and too wonderful not to sit back and admire how amazing they are to see.  

And as a mom, I feel the love and the sadness that comes with the loss and the gains that comes with my babies growing up.  The ones that will leave the nest and the one that most likely will not.  And in the end, they each hold my heart equally, and they each will always have a safe place to land.  I may not agree with all their choices; but if they can refrain from murder and mayhem, I will always be here to love them unconditionally...even on the days they are driving me crazy...which seems to be a daily thing.  So some things actually never do change.  Hmmm...  

The Beauty of a Mute Button.

 October 14, 2020 

Who says that school Zoom sessions can’t be Hilarious?

Well, usually me.  Except today.

Some background.  Like in most schools, there are a myriad range of ages amongst the teachers, aides and paras.  Some are young and just getting started and some have been doing this for awhile. I truly appreciate the energy and new ideas coming from the youth, just as I truly appreciate the experience And wisdom of the older staff.  At the same time, I fully acknowledge that what I know about technology filled a pistachio shell before quarantine and as of today, I might be able to fill up a peanut shell.  So by no means am I an expert.  With that being said, I feel that I have no room to judge another’s tech ability, so I just don’t. But, as I laugh my butt off at my mistakes, believe that I am gonna smile at the other miscues being made around me...and when you give me what happened today; well, odds are quite good I am going to be wiping my eyes as I chuckle.

Bradley and I jumped onto Zoom right after we got home from his therapy sessions.  So yes, we were a bit late - but just in time it would turn out.  My friends, the Para running the breakout room is one of our older ladies, and in previous conversations she and I have commiserated about our tech challenges and attempts to learn what we are doing, as she also has mentioned that she has enlisted family help on many days as well.  Bless her heart, she was running the screen share today and when she went looking for the screen she wanted, she found her subscription had expired and so being diligent, she popped over to YouTube and tried to find it there...probably should have screen shared after she found what she wanted...and perhaps looked for typos first...  sigh...  

So we were working on Counting...and it would seem she forgot the letter “O”, and we all got an O...like “Oh My!”  As I think I might have yelped and covered Bradley’s eyes.  No worries, he was almost asleep anyway.  

There were three video thumbnails that popped up to choose from...none better than the rest.  And as all things go - of course it was a situation where she couldn’t get the screen back down fast enough.  But one of the other paras is a little better with tech and also able to screen share, so she got a more appropriate video thrown up on the screen.  The small “u” sound...but counting or reading, whatever at that point.  

So the poor Para was terribly embarrassed.  The other Para that took over was mortified and trying to hold it together, and me... well I am like five year old - off camera and on mute, laughing so hard I can’t seem to tell Eric what happened until I get a breath and then he is laughing too.  Is it great that our son just had a brief introduction to Adult Recess?  No it’s terrible...but, it was not meant to happen, it was a genuine mistake and for God’s sake...it is 2020 and we are very surprised that some whack job hasn’t hacked into one of our zoom sessions before now.  I covered his eyes pretty quickly and it wasn’t on his IPad, so he won’t accidentally be finding that later.  And the good news, my noise and activity woke him up and he was ready to engage in the next activity.

We got an email from the teacher with apologies and she wanted to talk to me about it.  I told her it wasn’t necessary...so of course she called me.  

I tried to reassure her that it was fine.  And it was, until she kept talking.  She tried to say that it was actually a nose procedure with a scope.  I just paused and listened in disbelief.  Apparently, she thinks I am a complete moron,  Three kids later, I think I might have some knowledge in that area...so maybe trying to convince me that what I saw was not what I saw - is a bit insulting.  I know what happened, and though I laughed myself silly because of my maturity level somewhere far below my son’s...I am also able to let this be the mistake it was and not need to make it into anything or make anyone have to pay for the error.  But how frustrating to have someone try to turn it into something it wasn’t, and try to imply that I am not aware of what I was actually seeing.  Argh!!!  

But hey, it made for the most interesting Zoom class session we have ever had.  And we then went into an activity to build a Jack-O-Lantern, which is one of Bradley’s favorite things.  Not only did he build his own during his turn, he was trying to choose a pumpkin and all the parts while his friends were choosing...to which my son might have been yelling - “No” for every choice that they made that didn’t match his choice.  Again, thank goodness for the mute button!  But hurray, for his interest and willingness to enjoy the pumpkin activity.  

Good grief!  What a day!  

Who knew that the days weren’t going to be come more predictable as the year goes on; but really, should we even pretend to be surprised?