October 16, 2020
I am struggling right now. Really struggling. I have weathered the storm that has blown across the last seven months with an attempt at calm, understanding, and humor. I have tried to withstand the harsh realities of what is constantly battering my kids, my husband, my friends and family...and I have tried to be a quiet voice of hope and connection. I have tried to stay optimistic and to pray that things are going to right and the sick will be healed and the virus will run its course and we will emerge back into life...and that somehow that semblance of life will be slightly altered, but maybe not completely re-shaped.
But that isn’t happening.
We have tried to keep perspective as each event or loss is acknowledged. Madison was to have a last dance show, I mourned that one quietly as she mourned it loudly. The same week they canceled Prom and the Senior Dance...then came Grad night, and Graduation and finally Grad Week. Graduation hit me hard, you can’t get the special days back. And my parents taught me about loss like that and how important it is to make sure that you recognize the big days and avoid the nonsense that might make you miss it. When my parents Divorced, anger turned to kindness when they realized that my brothers and I would only be graduating from High School once, hopefully only marrying once... all those milestones that neither wanted to miss but they would have to be friendly enough to sit together in order to be a part of it. At the time, my parents thought we might go to College, but it wasn’t a given back then. My oldest brother jumped two feet into life and made it a great one and would marry a lovely lady. My next oldest would go to College, and would jump into a great job that has lead to a great career and his life has increased with a beautiful family. I would also go to College, marry a wonderful man who would show me the world and help me bring into it three amazing kids. Pretty amazing lives really... and my parents have tried to be at all the milestones, and are now pretty good friends. So helpful.
So I know that these milestones are treasures to enjoy and not ignore or downplay. I agreed to be all in when my kids were born. I couldn’t get pregnant for so long, that I just promised myself, and God and all the Fates that if I had children, I would be a part of all of it. I would take them to their practices and all the dances, I would sit through all the band concerts (even the very first ones) without ear plugs. What I didn’t know, was I would get weepy watching my wee girls in their first dance recitals, and then in every one after that. No idea what the deal is with dance, but truth is truth, watching them dance always made me misty. I would cheer loud and hard at their games...from basketball (maybe not as loud when I had the grandma from Colonia beside me in that one game), to softball and volleyball. When Sydney made a stop at second and threw a player out at first, I hollered. When she slid into home under the tag to score the only run in a play-off, I jumped in the air in my excitement. When Madison caught the only ball lifted into the outfield in the whole season and then sent a bullet to third to keep the girl from scoring, I whooped and hollered! And when she hit her first homerun, I cried and cheered and cried some more. When Bradley walked up the stairs at the gym by himself, I held my breath so my joy wouldn’t overflow and scare him. And when I said “I love you” and he clearly said “I love you” back to me the first time...I managed to hold it together in front of others. And when each one of my children called me “mama” for the first time - I always cried.
My investment is real and is non-negotiable. We were so grateful that the girls had their High School volleyball season last year, and my heart absolutely broke for all that was lost for my baseball playing nephews - and every other young athlete that had to sit down and not play. And I am hearing there might be play this year, and I admit that I have my fingers crossed and I am holding my breath in the hopes that it actually happens. I hope for the kids’ sake they all get to play. And I do this knowing that as the guidelines are coming - officials are trying really hard to push the parents out of the gyms as much as possible, if not completely...they are finally cutting me off at the knees. I can put up with a lot, I can bend and I can comply...but now, now they are starting to put forth guidelines that are making it where we can’t even be around to see our kids play.
More and more it’s starting to look like it will be one of us driving Sydney to a tournament a couple hours away... and then sitting in the car to wait while she plays and then bring her home. One parent might be allowed in for some of it, and maybe we can switch off - but Bradley won’t be allowed because no siblings. So that means one of us has to stay home and one of us has to make the drive. There is discussion of 23 persons per team - so the number of players and coaches and then the remainder can be parents... Sydney is on a team of 14 girls. The math sucks. On our last team, the numbers were in our favor, it was rare to have more than four parents at a match and Eric and I were two of them. This team already has more interest from the parents and more indication of involvement. Which makes for a better team in all ways...except maybe in being able to watch them play.
I want to be there to watch her play, to share in the highs and lows that come with each match. I want to see where she has improved and where her work should happen next. I want to see that amazing play or the off centered pass that didn’t go as planned. I want to be in this part of her life for as long as we have, because she is a Junior and will be off to College soon. She wants to play College ball but who knows if she will or where, and if I will get to see her play at all in College. Plenty of athletes make the team and never play a single minute, College ball is different. Who knows what tomorrow holds for her. So not being able to be a part of her play now, that is turning into the hardest pill for me to swallow. In Vegas a couple years ago her team was headed to the winning bracket and my daughter went for a ball, her momentum took her up and over a chair to land on the other side and compressed her knee so badly her tournament was over and as I put my arm around her I wondered if this was the end of her playing as well...it was a rough injury. I can’t imagine if I had not been there when it happened. I can’t imagine not sweating through every play of the next game she played. Watching and praying that her knee was back in the shape it needed to be for her to play safely. I was very nervous and very determined that she not know.
We have to get her to practice, to tournaments, even the out of state ones...and now we aren’t allowed to watch play - but they sure want us to pay for everything. Maybe someone will stream it for us. I have noticed more and more of an attempt to push the parents from the gym in the past few years...looks like the pandemic has provided the ammunition to make it happen and I don’t see us going the other way again.
My last place where I was welcome. Teachers pushed us out of the girls’ school day once they hit middle school and then High School, hah...parent who? Bradley’s school followed fast on the heels of that potential and we have no idea what happens there when they are in session. And I had a really hard time with being pushed out of Bradley’s school day...and now Sydney’s volleyball. So yeah, I’m struggling now. It is not logical and in the grand scheme of things probably selfish, but life happens fast and we only get these kids for a small amount of time before they head off into the lives they are going to live and our importance dwindles.
The girls will not remember very much of their early childhood when Mom was with them everyday and all the things we did - sometimes mundane and sometimes crazy. But they will remember now. They will take these memories with them and every once in a while they will dust them off and maybe tell their kids about their parents being a part of the everyday parts of their lives and going to all the volleyball. How we made them feel better about the losses and made them glow in the celebration of the wins. These are the kind of memories I wanted them to take with them. At least Madison has them, and Sydney will have some, but it makes me sad that so many opportunities for more are being stopped so abruptly.
Sydney could have a really amazing team this year. They could be ranked pretty high and their games have potential to be really exciting. I wish I could also be excited about it; but for me, I am dreading the season and ready for it to be over. It all just makes me so very sad.
So there you go, I’m just really struggling right now and I hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
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