Spread the Word to End the Word!

We're fast approaching March 6th which is the day to stand up and take a stand against the R-Word.  It's one of those big days, one of those moments that you get to be surprised by those that take a moment to take a pledge to stop using the hurtful words Retard and Retarded.  I am hoping for the day to come when the word is no longer used at all - I am praying that it's in my lifetime.  

With all the things that we worry about with Bradley: his health, his cognitive abilities, his future...we know that there is also the moment that will come when the word will drop and he will be old enough to not only understand it and feel the pain from it.  I think back to the moment that I was told my son had Down syndrome, I felt the slicing pain of knowing that my son would not be like other little boys.  At the time it seemed important, that he wouldn't be like other kids.  Odd really, my girls really aren't all the same as the girls in their classes and I am grateful - but at that moment, it seemed like everything.  But never once did I hear the R-word in my head or my heart...but I saw the medical use of the word in the readings.  Reading the clinical use of it was just as painful to me as if someone had said it about him, or to describe him.  We were lucky, our midwife and her crew wrapped us up in a protective cocoon and made sure that nothing but support and love walked in our room.  There are times now that when I look back I wish I were there again.  I sometimes wish we were still wrapped in their comforting "arms" and had no idea how much Bradley would go through in the next three years.  I want to take all the loving people that wrapped around us and use them as a shield between Bradley and those that will not see him for who he is, but will look at him as nothing but a diagnosis.  

Some would argue that these fears of mine are a clear indication that we should keep Bradley secluded from the other kids at school.  That maybe we shouldn't fight for inclusion.  But let's face it, hiding from it won't protect him, it will only restrict him and keep him from expanding his brain and the scope of the life he should live.  So we want to be settled into a place that we can make into a home and let him grow up with the same kids, the same schools and be a familiar face to them to the point that his natural personality can start to emerge.  We've seen how hard it is for our girls to blend in as the new kids, we want them settled too.  Our ten year old has experienced bullying at school.  She is a lover of sports and is quite adept at them - this has proven a bone of contention with some of the boys that don't appreciate a girl having more skill than them.  I can't help but wonder what lies ahead for them, and if they have it rough, what then lies ahead for Bradley?   

It comes down to this, he has enough to fight with his health, his challenges...so we have to fight this battle too - end the use of the R-word. We have to fight to help people understand that words are weapons as much as we wish otherwise.  Words carry meaning, but the emotion and intent behind the words are what put the pain behind the action.   By bringing awareness to the word, we bring awareness to the pain the word brings.  Let that be one pain my son never feels...take a stand with us and stop the use of the word.   

A Gold Star Day

We started the day a little frustrated but that happens when the day starts at 5:00 am.  For some reason Bradley thinks that the earlier he gets going on his day the better he likes it.  So walking around in a fog, Eric and I stumble into the living room and find a kitchen where there's a coffeepot that we get cooking and then after a cup or two, I realize that it is Sunday and the great Church Quest is supposed to continue again today.  So I mustered the girls into action once they got up, and we headed out to check a new church while Eric and Bradley held down the home front.  What I didn't account for was the sudden, paralyzing fear that gripped my eight year old and left me sitting through a 3rd grade Bible lesson with no concept of what the actual church service was like.  I'll have to try again next Sunday.  Since our list is narrowed to those churches that have either a crying room, or a nursery - we're getting pretty close to narrowing down our search.  Oh, and we need more than five people in attendance, that service was a little uncomfortable for me and the crying room was so far in the back of the church it was like Eric and Bradley were in another service all together, but without a speaker in there, they were just hanging out and playing.

So anyway, after an interesting morning, we settled into a quieter day and one extremely rousing game of basketball with Bradley after dinner.  His belly laughs as he was lifted to dunk the basketball was I thought the very best part of the day...but I was wrong.  Getting ready to pop Bradley into the bath, he looked at his potty and pulled it out towards the middle of the bathroom, so I opened it up and using signs and words asked if he wanted to go.  He got excited and started signing the words to "Itsy, Bitsy Spider" (we do this every time he sits and tries).  So he sits, we start and he PEED!  Joy!  Excitement!  Since he hadn't gone to the potty since October it was a wonderful surprise for all us!  So here is our goofy family...all five of us standing in the bathroom cheering and clapping for Bradley while he stands in the middle of us, buck naked - clapping his hands and saying "yeah!"  throwing his hands up in the air in his excitement.  I'm not sure who was prouder, Bradley of himself or us of him.

I'm left with the knowledge and the certainty that it will never cease to amaze me how things work in this house.  A tough morning turns into a day that is a Gold Star Day!  It's a big deal that he went in the potty...it's just as huge to see the joy flowing over the girls at this small triumph from their brother.  Moments like these are the ones that keep us going.  The girls can fight all day with each other, they can get so caught up in their own play that they all but ignore their brother...but at the end of the day, Madison is the one to change a diaper and after helping me give him a bath, it was Sydney who diapered and dressed Bradley for bed - they want to be a part of his life, they are just as thrilled to take part in the typical parts of his day as they are to be a part of the amazing parts.  Because his girls mean the world to him, Bradley hugs them good night and just as he does every morning when the girls run off to school, he waves good bye...and gives them his attempt at "I Love You" - a fist in the air with his index finger pointing up and his hand bouncing up and down.  I know in time his pinky will also lift, but we get the idea now.

As Art Williams says: "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."  I keep this as my cover picture for "Bradley's Buddy Brigade," (Bradley's page on Facebook) because of days like today.  Today is a reminder that no matter how many obstacles and struggles there might be...in the end it's worth it!  My Oreos are worth it!  

Happy Sunday All!

A Challenge For Me

Before I saw the Facebook Challenge from the IDSC yesterday I had made a Challenge for myself.  March 21st is World Down syndrome Day!  It's an important day for us and I decided it deserved some of the same build up and recognition that we did for Down syndrome Awareness Month in October.  So here I go again.  Because Down syndrome is characterized by a 3rd copy of the 21st Chromosome some people who are much smarter and organized than me, got the rest of us going to recognize 03-21 every year to be the big deal it should be.

So anyway, here's my part - writing about life with Bradley.  I was considering my topics to write about today, and I touched on the Parent/Teacher Conferences we had yesterday for the girls.  I am a teacher by trade, there for a while it seemed like the only subject I was ever going to teach was English: grammar and Composition to the Americans and Conversation, grammar and idioms to the Japanese.  When the girls started school suddenly I realized that there might be some math education in there and possibly, oh, I don't know, Social Studies and Geography.  I realized my educational background did not prepare me for this new job of mine.  I had the boat in the water and no engine, I didn't even have a paddle.  So I had to educate myself, going over Kindergarten, then 1st grade...etc...on upward through the curriculum trying to keep up with my girls as they were progressing in school.  www.ask.com, you are my friend as you help me stumble over math that is so easy that I don't remember how far back I have to go in my memory to explain it.  Inevitably, I am trying to explain the problem at a 7th or 8th grade level and my daughter is staring at me like I have a second head ...then a little Internet surfing and I realize I have taken the very simple answer to the problem around the block four times, up the stairs, over the railing and back down into the pool before I climb out dry off and provide the solution.  I use to keep track daily but now they don't need my help daily and they're going to leave me too far behind.  Because the thing is, my daughters are wicked smart.  My 5th grader is a Math Star and her writing is incredible and my 3rd grader is the only kid in her class into 4th grade math and her writing is just as amazing.  Their reading levels are off the charts, and though they will tell you they are smart and one of the smartest in their class, there is no malice or conceit, it is merely a statement of fact.  And even better, these are the girls that the class likes, the polite girls, the sweet girls in the class.  So probably needless to say we came off the conferences yesterday trying to keep buttons from flying off we were so proud of them.

And then today we come back to earth.  I had been circling in my head where I feel Bradley is with his feeding.  The fact he is getting so many calories orally is so encouraging, and though I was definitely not for weaning as yet since he doesn't possess a strong bite and chew method - I was still feeling pretty good about his progress.  But then his progress report came in today, and his feeding therapist, who is known through the area as the best in the business, laid out how very far he has to go, which it turns out is really, really, really, far.  Sucks!  And then there's all his other assessments that put him so much lower than we wanted.  But that's how those go, his therapist works with him every week and he's willing to try all kinds of things and then for the Assessments a new therapists wants him to try all these new things and he is less than thrilled by their presence let alone their demands.  My boy gets shy and withdraws when they push.  He has personal space just like everyone does, his just happens to be the ENTIRE living room - and they invaded.  So those reports were a little rough as well.  And every time we get the progress reports I have to step back and regroup - remind myself it isn't personal and that it's only important to the insurance companies that want to make sure that the therapies are worthwhile and the school district so they know he needs to keep having a teacher and therapists each week.  Yeah okay.  But it still stings in the heart region.

I promise I'm not the mom in denial, I know that my son is delayed.  That doesn't stop me from sitting with him in front of his IPad and doing ABCmouse with him.  And it doesn't come near to stopping my excitement as he learns and then masters new techniques.  Here's my thinking, he might not get it right away, so we practice it - over and over.  Some of my research has taught me that his short term memory is a bit like Swiss Cheese, but where the holes move around.  I was a huge "Quantum Leap" fan, so I get this, and I can embrace this thinking and make it work in our life.  That being said, I have determined that I will just work on Bradley learning.  We don't have to stop trying to learn once he graduates from High School, we can keep training his brain for every next step.  There doesn't have to be a point where there is no next step for him, there's always something new for us to learn.  Us.  You read that right, we have a lot to learn together.  "We" are learning sign language and adding to our vocabulary.  "We" are learning how to eat: he does the physical side and I am up to eyebrows in the how, why, cause and effect of it.  I realized today that my son doesn't know how to: run, skip, or jump yet.  So guess what, I have to learn how to teach him how to do those things.  And it just takes me right back to Japan and teaching English all over again.  If my student wasn't understanding I would work the problem around and around until I found the solution that worked for them and they finally understood.  Turns out Bradley is no different.

Turns out the girls are no different, only they don't take so many turns in my brain to find the solution they need.  So now I'm learning to be patient and let the ideas formulate, trial and error, then formulate some more.  But here's the good news: between Madison and Sydney, I have no doubt that he will be reading and writing because if he doesn't listen to me - he wants to be with them and do everything like them.  In the future, this will work in all the best possible ways.  But I don't think that this is one-sided either.  These girls with the amazing intellect and busy brains sometimes need to just "Be."  That's something that Bradley gives them, when they stop buzzing around like bees to the hive and they just sit with him and read or play...they get the opportunity to just "Be" in the moment with their brother.  I think they need it as much as he does.

The Progress reports are always going to be rough, they're always going to tell us what he can't do.  From there we just build back up by going over all he can do and letting it play through our heads like a mantra until the sting eases off.  Whenever I start to think too much about Bradley's delays and let the worries start to have too much weight in my mind I remind myself this: The best life, a good life, is often lead by the person that has no problem meeting their own eyes in the mirror.  Having an extra chromosome doesn't guarantee this, but neither does not having one.  In the end, if all three of my kids live good lives, then that's all that really matters.  

Who I Am

International Down Syndrome Coalition- IDSC:  
Write a blog post about the person you love, using the "Who I Am" theme.  

It's another challenge...and I am all about the challenges! ;-)  I mean my life doesn't offer enough so I should definitely be on the lookout for more.   Oh well, look at that - the Challenge was to incorporate "Who I Am" into my blog..and I did - so done!

Well not so fast.  We all know I am much more long winded than that, so there has to be more...there's always more.  I am actually supposed to Blog about someone I love with Down syndrome, that should be easy enough right...only, how do you put into words who my Bradley is, are there enough words?  I guess we'll just have to make sure there are.

I Am a Mom to three great kids, three amazing kids.  And though I could blather on about each of them forever, today it's about just one of them.  Today, it's about Bradley.  Though the girls don't say it often, there are times when it slips out that they think it's always about Bradley.  But then they quickly say, he's the baby and he's been sick.  They don't throw out there that he has Down syndrome too, because it isn't about the diagnosis: it's about the time away from home at hospitals, the extra effort to feed, bathe and care for him, it's about the delayed tuck-ins because we're still trying to get Bradley down while the girls are trying to stay awake to get that last tuck and kiss.  He takes a lot of work, he requires a lot of compromises - Daddy kisses and tucks tonight while they're awake, and Mommy kisses and tucks after they are asleep and tomorrow night we switch, and so on and so on.  And it works.

And it works...  Bradley has the ability to hold Chaos in one hand and Calm in the other; when he puts his hands together it's a maelstrom of activity - the Hurricane and the Eye...one shoe down, the other waiting to drop.  That's who he is.  He isn't a diagnosis, he's a force of nature.  Who is Bradley?

He is the baby that falls asleep in my arms, his cheeks flushed rosy in the warmth that happens between the two of us and the love that beats from his heart to mine.

He is the Daredevil that climbs up and over everything, and I mean everything - from the play yard to the baby gate, to the couch heedless of what might or might not catch him when he falls on the other side.

He is the consoler that reaches out to hold whomever is shedding tears, patting them on the back and laying his head on their shoulder.  Comforting by being sad with them.

He is the whisperer.  His words come in tiny sounds that make accidental words lost as quickly as they are found, but always heard on the wings of a whisper.

He is the communicator.  With his tiny fingers and little hands he uses his language to talk to me, and he makes sure that I understand the important points of our life together...  milk, eat, cookie, bath, diaper, more of everything.  Together he and I have learned over fifty signs, the trick is getting the family to catch up so he has someone else to talk too.

He is the dancer, on his own or in my arms, he dances beside me or he dances with his eyes sparkling as he looks up into mine before he hugs me tight and holds on for the ride.

He is the caretaker.  He dances with his baby as he turns in circles.  He rocks it back and forth - both front to back and side to side.  He lays it down and covers it up for sleeping and if the baby needs it, he sings to it by lying it down in his lap and signing the words to "Itsy, Bitsy, Spider" because that is his favorite.

He is the Charmer.  He is the bringer of joy to those who meet him.  His smile and adorable self encourage love while his temper reminds us that he is just like any other 3 year old boy Hell bent on giving his mom grey hairs.  And the combination makes for a frustrating albeit charming package.  

Is that it?  Is that enough?  No, there's more to Bradley.  There's always more.  With Bradley it's the way he makes you feel when he smiles at you, the way his big blue eyes capture your heart.  He doesn't say much with his mouth but his eyes speak from his soul encouraging you to be more than what you thought you could be, to love like you never thought you could, and to understand not only your place in this world but your place in his.  

I've spent my life trying to measure up, trying to live to my potential and always wondering where I land on that yard stick.  Who is Bradley?  He is the motivator, the push in my life to work harder and learn more to find every means to encourage and guide all three of my children to be who and what they are meant to be in this world.  Perhaps none of them will discover the cure for cancer or how to implement world peace, but honestly, I don't have those answers either.  But if I am lucky at all, all three of my children will feel their worth when they look in the mirror and each will always know how much they are loved.  

Who is Bradley?  He is more than enough, and so much more than we ever believed possible.  Considering we're really just getting started...who he will be is going to be one amazing journey!

Music Part Three

The Best Moments

I briefly touched on the idea of listening to the girls singing in the backseat as we drove.  Back then the words were never right and the tone was off and everything was slightly off-key.  But the harder they tried the better it was.  We progressed to words are right, tone is good and mostly on-key…but we graduated to the point where Madison got to this point first.  I hope so, she is two years older than her sister.  That being said, this left a wide open door for her to sing at the top of her lungs.  I began to have to ask her to turn down the volume a bit.  I couldn't hear myself think let alone Sydney at all.  Well of course this graduated again to the point where they started competing at the top of their lungs.  Nothing like hearing a little Daughtry screaming in your ears.  But we seem to have worked that out too; and though it isn't perfect harmony, they tend to sing along with the music and more with the music, and believe me – that is music to my ears. 

They both like to see the videos, but mostly they like to see the videos from YouTube where people add the lyrics; as they like to learn the songs.  It’s pretty cute, and you wouldn't think so until you come around the corner and you see the look of complete concentration that Sydney has on her face as she sits at the desk, eyes glued to the monitor, brain absorbing every word – so intense that she doesn't even know you’re there.   What follows are the days of singing: alone in her room, walking through the living room, at the top of her lungs in the shower, at the kitchen table during meals, or homework, or ….well, any time.  But it can be disconcerting when she starts singing: “Lover, lover, lover - you don’t treat me no good no more.”  What?  Or even better: “Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my baby feel  a little frisky.”  Who knew that Country music held so many landmines!   We listen to everything, we just love music.  While we were in Japan her favorite songs were: “Runaway Train” by Daughtry (he calls it “Breakdown”) and “The Highwayman.”  In fact, when we returned to the states, until Eric bought his truck we couldn't listen to the IPod in the car.  When we finally heard the song again, I pull her out of the booster seat and she looks at me and says: “Wow, I've missed the Hymen song Mom.”  Luckily, Sydney has been training me with her oft times stunning comments, so No, I didn't drop her.   I looked at Eric, “To think I was worried about the use of the B word that means you have no parents in the song, I missed THAT part in it!”  I looked at Sydney…  “Highwayman… Highwayman Sydney.”  To which I just get that Sydney shrug and on we go. 

Madison has her radio in her room that played her IPod Shuffle and also the Touch she has now that her grandparents got her.  Any time you walk by her room she is in there dancing and singing with her radio.  “Just Dance 3” and “Just Dance 4” she’s your girl.  She dances in the car, at the store, at the dinner table at home or out…she’ll be standing perfectly still and a moment later for no reason and without warning all of sudden she’ll start busting out with some crazy dance moves.  Her lips are moving, her eyes have a faraway glint and she’s rocking out; completely oblivious to the surprised stares of anyone around her. 

And then there’s Bradley.  He and his Mom spend a considerable amount of time dancing…just me and him on our own during the day.  Life can’ t be all puzzles and blocks…sometimes you have to have fun too!  Turn on Imagine Dragons, “It’s Time” and on his own, Bradley starts tapping out the rhythm, clapping and patting his legs…so yeah, that’s one of our new favorite songs!  At night, after some books we turn on music and let him relax to the calmer music in our ITunes and it’s not unusual to hear Bach and Vivaldi open for Rascal Flatts or Blake Shelton or Suzy Bogguss. 

But I promised the best moments didn't I?  So here is one of our best moments:

One of the times when Bradley was really sick, he was miserable and listless but unable to fall asleep.  The girls were home from school and I was desperate to help Bradley get a nap and feel a little better.  So I was on YouTube, pulling up videos just to keep Bradley occupied and hopefully stop the tears.  The girls gathered around us and I switched to videos with lyrics at their request.  While I sat with Bradley on my lap, I had Madison on one side and Sydney on the other.  I pulled up their favorite slower songs and they sang them to their brother: “A Thousand Years” and “God Gave Me You” were the last two they sang with the second finally drifting him into much needed sleep.   It was a perfect moment of peace.  It was a perfect gift and I still don’t know who needed the gift more, Bradley or me…but it Blessed us both.

So do they sing loud or somewhat off-key?  Sometimes.  Do they work at driving me crazy on a daily basis…oh yeah, you betcha!  Do they sometimes lose sight of the fact that they have a little brother and try to ignore him…uh-huh… but they are 8 and 10 after all.  These things prey on me at times because of the potential negatives they can bring.  But I hold onto this memory, this moment in time when everything was okay and their love for their brother meshed with their love of music and they gave him just to him because he needed it, and at the same time gave me the same thing.  He won’t remember the moment, but he will remember the love because these girls can do no wrong as long as they stay with him…let them walk out of the room and all bets are off!  J  

Music Part Two

Bradley's Love of Music

I think Bradley's love of music happened in the womb.  I was always playing music.  I thought he might come out spouting grammar rules as well, but luckily that hasn't happened as yet!  But after he was born I sang to him just like I did with his sisters.  There was a certain lullaby that I wanted to sing to him, one that I had sang countless times to the girls, but the lyrics hit so close to home the first time I tried I burst into tears.  So I avoided it, and I sang other songs to him.  When he laughed at me when I sang him "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" I tried not to take offence.  As I told him then, "You're a baby, what do you know?"  And yet the little laugh was so very cute, I kept singing it to him anyway.  I had also taken to singing the song from Disney's Tarzan, "You'll Be in My Heart."

And then it happened, one day Eric looked at me and reminded me that I had yet to sing "Baby Mine" to him.  Guilt coursed through me.  I had wanted to sing it to him and I had tried but the lyrics had defeated me:  

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The chance to hold you.

From your head to your toes
Your not much, goodness knows
But your so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine. 


source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/miscellaneouslyrics/lullabylyrics/babyminelyrics.html

I was terrified that I was stopping because the line "So precious to me" might not be true.  Was that true for my son and I?  Were his sisters more precious to me than him, was that why I didn't want to sing the song to him?  The way he stared into my eyes with such trust and his only way to tell me how much he loved me, I didn't want to believe that there might be something lacking in me.  His incredible blue eyes looked into my soul and didn't flinch away - surely that meant I wasn't truly lacking right?  And though it tore at me to sing "Baby Mine", it wasn't like I wasn't choosing lullabies that had no heart or were not sweet.   "You'll Be In My Heart" the short version from the movie or the Phil Collins version whenever all the words came to me, certainly packs a sweet punch:


Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always

Being the person I am, I looked at the lyrics in both songs and let them roll through my mind.  I realized that I was stumbling over the idea that "Baby Mine" from Dumbo was intended to be sung to a little elephant whose big ears made him different.  The infant in my arms was different as well.  In fact, there was nothing I could do to change this and just as that little boy in the movie would be hateful to Dumbo and hurt his feelings; I knew then and know now that there will be those that will hurt my son's heart and his spirit.  I can try to stop it, I can advocate on his behalf and try to ease the way down the path he has to follow, but all I truly know is that I will be there when he needs me.  There is a bond that can't be broken between Bradley and I and it has everything to do with how incredibly precious he is to me.   What I also recognized what that I chose a lullaby that would soothe my son but also rang with a fierce protective voice that circled in my head and settled into my heart.  Understanding the needs of my heart helped to ease the guilt that I was feeling and now, I sing both to him...because they are both true.

Music

It's About the Music

My girls love music.  I sang to them when they were babies and it couldn't have been all bad because they would ask me for their favorites as they got older.  And as they got older they would sing to their baby dolls and it felt good to me.  I had inadvertently given them something more than a way to fall asleep at night, I had taught them how to comfort themselves and others through music.  And we would dance all over the house.  It was our thing, we loved to mess around and dance in the house - the girls went on to dancing on stage through Ballet and the Jazz.... When we were in Japan, they rode everywhere with me, going to most of the lessons that I taught.  Honestly, if my girls hadn't been so incredibly cute and sweet (not to mention really polite) I am not sure how many students I would have had.  I mean I'm not saying I'm not a good teacher, but couple that with adorable (them, not me) and my students kept adding to my list of clients and my workload.  Some of my fondest memories are driving my little Capa, my girls riding shotgun from the backseat and my Ipod playing music to entertain them on the way.  We always had a little American Idol in our car, we didn't care who was or wasn't listening and frankly who might be watching.  We'd sing...some of us better than others.  It was all about Daughtry and "High School Musical" preferably the third one.  Being little they couldn't always understand the words, so that was my role, I would sing along too - they'd learn it from me and then they'd sing.  They weren't on key or anything, but then they were 4 and 6...and then some.  The only things that have changed has been their ages and their growing musical ability.  

Fast forward to this morning and taking the girls to school.  Madison sits in the front now, because the law says at 10 she can.  I don't dispute this, though I balk at the freeway; but then I am the total overprotective parent so well, deal.  So Kelly Clarkson is on the radio with her newest song "Catch My Breath" and as I drive I am listening to the concert from my girls as they both pick up the song and sing along, without error and when it comes to Madison and incredible amount of passion.  At the same time, she is dancing in her seat.  Again, I am left with this notion that I could care less who is watching as we make our down the street; the important thing is that both of my girls are happy, in this moment, singing at the top of their lungs a song that could easily become their anthem...that mantra in your head that plays over and over to help you get through the things that life will throw at them: 

Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

But isn't that what music is for? To be that soundtrack we keep in our heads, that group of songs that plays to help us get through life. And wouldn't it be great if there comes a day when the girls each have this moment in their lives where they won't be held back or put down? Wouldn't it be great if this could happen and not be a result of something connected to their brother?

As parents, Eric and I worry about Bradley all the time, everyone knows this. On Facebook we keep updates to "Bradley's Buddy Brigade" and those that love Bradley will let us know that they will pray for our son, they will think of him and send him their best healing wishes. These are the things that we combine with our own faith to help us make sense of all the things that Bradley has been through. I keep the girls a little more protected, they're on there...they would be insulted otherwise, but they haven't their own page like their brother. They are both so healthy, so smart, so amazing...their brilliance is not in their intelligence, though believe me when I say with a nod to humility - somehow God gave me two incredibly smart little girls to raise - but theirs is a brilliance from the spirit that shines through their eyes and is difficult to miss. For those that lack the spark they have it can be difficult to view and jealousy has already reared an ugly head to bash at them. But my girls are resilient and they are fighters. I want to say they get it from me...but they are a nice blend of Eric and I - in fact, they took all the good things that we have and they blended them into who they are so much our influence is considerably watered down. Anything bad they got strictly from their Dad...well, except that stubborn streak, and maybe the temper...and well....never mind why point fingers.

So despite the squabbling that follows every morning with these two girls, we had a good morning.  They sang, they danced, and as they left the car to head into school they each turned around and waved to me and their brother. Both left me with a bit of internal music playing in their heads, a jig to their walk letting me know that some song was playing in their minds.  Some song, perhaps Clarkson's had been added to their internal IPod that would play there throughout the day. Even as Madison disappeared around the corner, Sydney with her fingers signing "I Love You" practically skipped away but turned every two steps to kiss her fingers and then sign "I Love You" to me.

Bradley has his own music connection, but that's for another entry.