Love in the Quiet

 October 13, 2020

There is something special about putting a child to sleep. 

Bradley and I are on our own tonight, so after getting him ready for bed, he ended up falling asleep on the couch.  After a bit, I picked him up to take him to bed.  Luckily, Bradley is still a small boy so I am still able to carry him without too much difficulty.  And he is big enough that he can fit his arms and legs securely around me when I pick him up.  

But as I carried him down the hall, he settled his head against my shoulder and I could feel his breath against my neck in that sweet innocence that only small children have, and I was taken back to the first moment that I held one of my babies and then my mind skipped down through my memories to remember all those moments that I have held my babies when they were babies.  I was back to the time when holding my baby was the only plan on my agenda, and rocking a child to sleep was all that mattered. 

There is such a moment of trust that happens when a small child is lying against your shoulder and starting to give in to sleep that they usually fight so much.  Granted, bedtime is not really the fun part of the evening, not that I mind the stories, the lullabies, or the snuggling - God knows that I adore the snuggling. But it’s the quiet moments when a little hand is holding mine and little eyelids are starting to flutter as they close in relief, even after a mighty fight to stay awake, the final drop into slumber is everyone’s relief.  

Bradley has such a hard time with sleeping so it can be quite easy to think that the whole process of bedtime in our house is such a horrible event; when in fact, it is one of the best times in our house.  I will not deny that the medication Bradley gets each night definitely helps him fall sleep without much delay or much drama.  And I also won’t deny that when that little boy climbs into your lap and lays his head on your shoulder as he starts to fall asleep, he snuggles in and makes you forget all about Bedtime routine and whether or not he needs to go immediately to bed or if a little longer snuggling would be okay.  

And although I am quite the pushover for these times; it turns out that Eric is just as much a pushover as I am.  Our little boy is growing up way too fast, and the fact that he is willing to love on us now cannot be denied.  What’s more?  My little girls are not little girls any longer and they are already so grown, getting snuggles from them is not as likely anymore. As for Bradley, he is just as likely to sneak up for a kiss as he is to ignore us throughout the day.  He is capable of incredible sweetness and incredible disregard all within the same span of a few moments.  To be fair, if I ask for kisses or hugs, he will give them - but spontaneity is less likely.  If we tell him “I love you,” he will say it back.  And I am here to say that when I told him I loved him and he repeated it to me, I thought my heart would burst.  As it is, I have not heard him tell me he loved me on his own, but I do believe that someday soon, Bradley will tell me or tell Eric that he loves one of us, all on his own without prompting.  Someday.  

Until then, we will continue to cheat time and steal the snuggles and all the quiet little moments that Bradley will allow us to have with him.  I will treasure the moments that he lays his head on my shoulder and trusts me to hold him and love him while he sleeps.  I will continue to hold his small fingers in mine as I put him to bed and ease him towards sleep, for however long he’ll stay there.  But then, Bradley is a unique little boy, and with his extra chromosome he is uniquely ours in a special way that allows us to have our little boy to be with us even as he grows into an adult.  And if we keep fighting to help him to find his voice then someday, surely his sweet voice will come out and tell us what he wants to say and what he needs.  And if there are Blessings to be had - then perhaps someday, he will share his heart with us too.  

Until that day comes, I will take all the snuggles I can get and share all the moments of love that my sweet boy can give me whether he tells me in words or just from the soulful blue eyes that hold my heart as  completely today as it always has.  

And such is the joy and struggle of bedtime at our house, a loving struggle indeed! 

Teacher Relationships - Not So Much!

 October 12, 2020

I’m a little concerned by Bradley’s latest school trend. On Mondays and Wednesdays we come home from therapy and usually manage to get him on to a Zoom with his class for part of a lesson and then for the relatively shorter afternoon session.  He doesn’t care for any of it, but some times are more productive than others.  

A few weeks back...could it be close to six already?  Yikes!  His new teacher; who he has never met, pulled him into a breakout room so that she could do his testing with him.  Having already sat through two sessions on a Thursday and not really liking them; he let me know by vocally yelling his displeasure to the neighbors.  To say it didn’t go well was quite the understatement.  In good news, he did not knock himself out, but not for lack of trying.  In other good news, he did not aim and actually hit me with his milk cup, he aimed and hit the floor.  He did get a few good hair pulls in and a bit of earnest scratching...so the tally is pretty much him still the victor over mom.  I did get him to calm down enough to answer one of the questions...so I think I get a win for that.  

To be fair, the teacher doesn’t know Bradley.  His last teacher knew him pretty well, but even she had no idea how Bradley would respond to Zoom.  I mean I’ve known the kid his whole life and the way he loves his movie - I might have bet that he would LOVE Zooming.  But I would have also been quite certain that the lack of control over what he was allowed to watch would put a damper on the love affair and even lead to a Divorce at some point.  I just didn’t realize that we wouldn’t get a Honeymoon period on Zoom...we went straight from Chapel to Courts and he didn’t even want custody of my laptop.  Sigh...  

So I have had exactly two conversations with Bradley’s new teacher...and only one of those was between the two of us, and I can’t tell for sure that a Para wasn’t monitoring in the background.  We seem to be constantly having a silent party observing or monitoring or something in the background for every session.  I have no idea why, and though I might have some bubbling suspicions brewing in my slightly conspiracy theory considering brain...nothing formed enough to even say right now.  Our only potentially private conversation was after that horribly botched testing session, where Bradley literally failed his testing.  Based on that alone, he would be sent back to remedial, remedial pre-school.  Having had our first school Speech session the Friday before, I let his teacher know that he had done extraordinarily well in that environment.  He had been at Therapy, came home and had a little bit of a nap and she had been his only Zoom session for the day, she jumped right in and engaged him with his favorite things and he was willing to sit through the session and work.  

Now, whenever his teacher wants to test him, she grabs him into a breakout room with a fun activity with a para, then she gives him his testing, and then puts him back into a fun activity or song.  We spend a lot of time on StarFall.  But he is getting really good at this test.  I am slightly concerned that it is always the same test, and I wonder if part of the test is the recognition of the repetition?  But then again, I wonder if maybe she is testing him until he gets them all correct a set number of times?  I just don’t know.  Here’s the other part that slightly concerns me.  Seems like every other time we get on, he is being pulled out to test.  If that keeps happening, even Bradley will notice a trend and then it will be even harder to get him to sign on to Zooms for me.  And then there is this frightening thought!  Is this the only testing they do in class? And is this all they do?  Set up the calendar in the morning then move on to testing, and always this same test?  

A part of me wants to tell that part above there to shut it!  He is being quite successful on that test and consistently successful with it, so let it be.  But I just have such a skewed view of this school and the way they have behaved in general towards students and especially their seemingly distrust of parents, that I have a distrust of them.  And isn’t that a ridiculous cycle?  I get rolling in these concerns and then I forcefully remind myself of the parents that knew this Principal at another school and felt he was great.  So I am trying to give him a chance...but this is the same guy that walked by and when introduced by the old Principal looked at me dismissively and then walked on.  I was helping with a Teacher Appreciation Baked Goods event at the time.  Perhaps such things offend him, or perhaps his diet was being strained as he looked at the scrumptious Banana Cream Luscious I had brought.  Surely that was all.  And then he and I had that difference in opinion about ABA for Bradley at school and he must have felt a wee foolish for not thinking to discuss matters with Bradley’s teacher first and then the shut down happened, which surely explains why that next phone call never happened.  I mean, Bradley had a One on one aide and an ABA therapist by then...sadly it was me...but hey, I am a fast learner and a great reader - I am getting what I need to know on board to help my guy.  

It’s not that I don’t dislike his teacher, I am trying very hard to drum up some regard over these zoom calls, but I am just not there yet so I don’t feel much either way.  And the sad part, I am mostly indifferent because even if they go back to school for one day or two or even five eventually; she and I really aren’t going to be spending any significant time together to build a rapport between us before Bradley is off to the Middle School (hold on, have to breath into a brown bag over that horrifying revelation for a minute) nor are we likely to meet in person, so we aren’t really relevant. Bradley might build some groundwork with her, only to have that ripped away in June...I have to tell you, I am feeling less and less excited about all this as I keep working through it in my head.

It is that this point in my thinking where I remind myself to fall back on my Faith, to let the wheels turn and the way ahead play out before us inch by inch, while I watch and wait and Believe that the best way is either going to make itself seen, or I am going to feel that slight push from the Man Upstairs to push back, forward or pull until I feel like I am moving Bradley down the Path that is intended.  The hardest part with Faith is making sure I am listening with my heart more than my head so that I know when to let the Path be because it is truly the Best way for Bradley.  Sometimes my brain gets too involved and the whispers of outside influences and expectations try to sway a way that I know in my heart and gut, aren’t the Best for Bradley.  Good thing Eric is so solid and keeps us all moving on a straighter path so that as I wind my way in and out, I never get lost and always find the guy carrying the Compass. We make a great team that guy and I.  

For now, we are still Zooming, Bradley is still hating them, and I swear he has an internal alarm clock that allows him to nap until the last possible session of the day is almost if not completely finished before he wakes up.  My little dude is one smart and savvy little dude!  Gotta give him that!  HAHA 

The Mystery of Learning.

 October 11, 2020

It’s always been an interesting job being a mom to these three kids.  When the girls were little I taught them their alphabet, how to use a potty, how to say their prayers and a million little things in between that they never knew they were being taught.  Most often, something I had taught them at home but they hadn’t shown me, would start to show up at the daycare or the babysitter’s.  A perfect example, I worked and worked to help Madison write her name and she never would.  He very first day of Pre-School they practiced and at her drop off the next morning she signed her name like she’d been doing it her whole life.  Ah hmmm...  And that was the first of so many similar instances that she would treat me too, and then Sydney would do the same thing to me.  And it wasn’t that I was mad, but perhaps frustrated a bit.  I think that as we grow in our lives, we start to believe that we need proof that we have done the work.  As if by not seeing the result play out in front of us we have no real proof that we did the job we were supposed to do and know that success has been achieved. 

I see now that they were merely preparing me for the life I would have.  Once my girls headed off to school, their growth has been exponential.  So much that I am always left to wonder how much of a role I actually had in their learning, and how much I was merely the vessel for them to be able to get to the level of maturity to start that learning process.  Considering how big their brains are, how big their dreams, it is obvious to me that they are far surpassing my brain power - and they are still getting smarter.  I do believe that how they treat people, how they stand up and advocate for themselves and defend others did come from home.  And it does make me feel better when they let slip the little stories about the life they are leading away from home and I hear or catch small little connections to things that have been said or done at home.  

Being forced to be home has certainly put the pressure on the girls.  Not only do they have to keep the academics up, but they are forced to juggle an impossible situation.  They have friends that were not forced home and were allowed out and about.  A group that were allowed to be around their friends as often as they wanted.  For the girls, this was a truly difficult situation.  Madison Struggled with her isolations from them more than Sydney, but understandable in that Sydney has asthma and does feel the pressure of a potential illness that could take her life because of her asthma.  But they both were also aware that they had a Dad with a heart issue that put him at a higher risk then even their immune compromised brother, and he definitely has risk.  Madison had bubbling up frustration that overflowed in tears and disappointment and a definite dose of depression.  While Sydney also suffered her on frustrations, but hers overflowed with a healthy dose of anger.  Why couldn’t her friends understand that there were circumstances and reasons that she and her sister were not able to be at all the events and hangouts?  Having to think of more than yourself when you are still in your teens is certainly a tough road to travel, and one that certainly ask so much more from you than your typical kid in the neighborhood. 

Regardless of their friends and that situation that is ever changing, the girls were suddenly less influenced by their teachers and friends in class, and more by us and those friends that were in their circle and who they could see.  Suddenly, their presence in Bradley’s life was a little more constant with more time in their daily schedules to be with their brother.  With nowhere else to go, there was certainly a need to dust off the Wii and get them playing bowling and tennis with Bradley.  The best afternoons have been the dance parties that they enjoy where the girls are playing together and Bradley is right in between them, mostly turning in circles but sometimes trying to imitate his sisters.  Without friends and peers for Bradley to practice social skills with, the girls have to be the replacements in the hopes that someday he will be able to return to playing with other friends.  Maybe they don’t realize they are teaching him, but they are and he is trying so hard to learn.  

As hard as the school closure has been and the nightmare that was the Zoom sessions, Bradley is starting to show us some of the positive behaviors that he used to show only his teachers or therapists.  He has been home so long and we have worked so many hours of therapy (in and out of Zoom) and school (mostly what I do off of Zoom) that we are starting to get to see more of all those positive behaviors that we were always told about in other environments.  Now I am starting to feel like we have flipped the switch on my mom job from what I had with the girls.  I always knew that with Bradley my involvement would be constant, ever changing and primary.  But I was starting to think that my role was always going to be to deflect the poor behavior and work him into compliance for someone else.  Now I don’t think that is still the case.  He has to work with mom, he has to practice his word building and his numbers and he’s doing it.  What he would never do before, he is now willing (though grudgingly) to work with me.  It’s such a change from how things worked with the girls and until this shutdown, with Bradley too.  

Right now there is less inconsistency in how we handle Bradley and his behaviors.  His therapists and parents are all on the same program and the same behavior plan.  We are learning from them and we are constantly sharing strategies and helping each other with what is being worked on.  Something that has been missing from school.  We used to have access to his teacher and his program, we could talk and we could learn what was happening and make sure that he was getting the support he needed so he could learn academically and socially. But as the school year went on; we were given a new principal, who gave us less and less access to our kids’ learning environment and teachers to the point that even the aides were no longer allowed to interact with us parents.  An air of secrecy that dissolved into ridiculous once the  schools shut down and we didn’t go back.  We parents tried to put our kids on Zoom once a week and then when they wanted four days a week, we realized it was about money and not about our kids well-being, growth or education.  

Last week, the school district for Bradley has asked for our input about a possible return to school.  We are hearing nothing from the High School or the College.  But Bradley’s school is trying to forge ahead to get kids back in the classroom.  Here’s where it gets weird for me.  I think my kiddo needs to be in school, but I have been listening to the emergence of his voice, I have been watching the increase in his ability to navigate his world with success and I see that it is through the therapies that we have put him in three days a week.  Not to mention the Behavior Therapy that is teaching him to deal with emotions and the tough choices in life like having to wait or be flexible... so I am left with a new dilemma.  We keep being told return to school will be a hybrid, with possibly one or two days back at school, the rest at home.  How willing are we to turn his whole world upside down for a day or two?  Do I want to try to find some other therapy days and times that provide him the success he is getting so he can go for a few hours each day?  So for now, we have asked for a Hybrid schedule for him that would send him Tuesday and/or Thursday only, allowing for him to continue to learn and grow as he has been at therapy three mornings a week. 

I guess for now we are i a wait and see mode.  We want Bradley to progress in his language skills, maybe even getting to spontaneous language, we would love for Sydney to get to play Volleyball for High School get her driver’s license and maybe experience some of the fun that comes with High School, and we’d really like Madison to get to spend some time at her College and start to feel like she is finally out of High School and maybe she too could enjoy some of the fun parts of College life too.  These are not big thins on their own, but based on these last seven months; suddenly, they are the biggest things! 

We are back to our one day at a time mode and hoping for the best, not because of the usual medical parts, but because that is how life is being lived right now.  Though we have a lot of experience with this, it is tough all the same.  

Until tomorrow friends have a great Sunday night!  

A Chance For Lunch Out

 October 10, 2020

Today was a big day in our house.  Our state is pretty slow to open up the economy and life in general, but businesses have been able to open.  Yesterday, Sydney and I were able to get haircuts.  Our favorite lady was open about eight weeks ago, so the girls and I got haircuts.  And then things closed down again, and then opened if they brought their chairs outside...our lady is a tiny, Japanese Grandma.  She was not going to be able to drag her barber chair outside each day in order to cut someone’s hair.  Those of us with long hair just chose to get longer cause I’ve had my hair cut in the wind...and I did not like the incredibly short bob that I got in return.  So fast forward quite a few years...and we waited until the openings again and went to get cuts.  Madison had to work, so she’ll have to go in a few days.  The way this state opens and closes like an electric door - she better hurry just in case.  

Anyway, the restaurants have opened too.  They’ve been open for outside seating, but we haven’t been yet.  Bradley really has trouble being out in the wind, he usually gets pretty sick.  So with the fires putting so much smoke in the air and the occasional Santa Ana winds blowing through... Bradley hasn’t been out for anything but therapy.  

One of his favorite places has also been closed because they are part of the Outlet Mall.  And it isn’t that the food is so great and he asks for it or anything, but it’s a place we took the kids to for a treat back in the early days when we had just come back from Japan and were trying to get settled.  We were broke and barely getting by, but every couple months or so we’d take the kids for burgers and milkshakes.  Although Bradley prefers the hotdogs.  

Before the shutdowns, we had started to go to restaurants and have Bradley sit at the table in a chair, rather than a high chair.  Most places have the little high chairs and though he is a really little guy, he was getting to big.  So we had to start working on the skills to successfully visit a restaurant, wait for the table, wait at the table, possibly eat something (trust me - more miss than hit!) and then vacate the restaurant before the meltdown from being overwhelmed happened.  Sitting in a confined space gave him a sense of safety and possibly comfort.  Sitting at the table like a big boy was certainly a chance for him to be very proud of being a big boy...but have you ever considered all the items that are on the table at a restaurant.  It is always instinctive to grab the knives.  Not sure why, not sure how this is ingrained, but he does.  He reaches for the knives first...so we whisk those away so fast the host or hostess thinks we’re trying to hold hands...awkward!  Then there is the condiments...why are there so many condiments?  Salt, pepper, sugar, not sugar, fake sugar, super fake sugar, ketchup, hot sauce... Good Grief!  Oh, and then they bring the drinks!  Have I mentioned that Bradley was an octopus in his last life?  I think he was, I mean he can lull us into thinking he is not paying attention to anything but his movie...but wait too long after the meal is over and he starts to get bored, and he will show you just how quickly and efficiently he can enact his own little cause and effect experiment.  

Perfect example.  We took him to lunch today. We thought we were going to eat inside, but our favorite restaurant hasn’t opened for inside dining as yet.  So we were a little worried, but the day was perfect so we were able to sit outside, catch up with some of our favorite people now that the restaurant is open again.  Luckily, the times have changed the world we live in and our table was completely bare.  So Bradley spent his time watching his movie until his food arrived where he loved his hotdog and french fries.  We were doing fantastic!  We were in a corner, so he wasn’t inundated with a lot of people to catch his attention so he ate and then enjoyed his movie.  We were getting close to leaving, I had even put his water back into his cooler.  

Apparently, while I was putting his drink away, he noticed that there were drink cups still on the table.  Reaching back into his Octopus genetics, Bradley managed to grab not one but two cups and dump them quite completely all over the table.  Oh did I mention that the table is like a picnic table with the small holes in the grating.  So when my little guy managed to dump both of the drinks, they managed to spill all over the table, my legs under the table, his cooler, over my socks, finally to puddle in my shoes. 

So it was a great afternoon, just a really messy one that required a second shower upon my return home.  But at the end of the day, the family got to have lunch at a restaurant again and Bradley got to enjoy being out of the house, and ate so well.  The soggy socks were worth it in the end.  And I truly believe that Madison’s Fanta Orange soda will eventually wash out of my white sneakers...if not, I guess a slight orange tinge will be quite festive for Halloween.  

After an exciting day out, Bradley is sacked out and almost too tired to sleep.  Time to try a second time to get him to stay asleep for the night.  

Have a wonderful Saturday night friends!  

College Life

 October 9, 2020

It’s weird having a college student doing an online presence in your house. She lives in her room and sometimes comes out for a bathroom break or a desire for food. Otherwise our oldest has established her bedroom as her base camp and her dorm room.  She has LED lights around the top of her walls, she has her tv, all her electronics and most of the time she has her cat and half the other animals we own in her room too...perfect roommates.  In truth, not much different from her life in the Dorm had we been able to send her to live in the dorms at Cal Lu.  COVID restrictions have them one to a room, two to a suite.  Students in one suite are not allowed to enter the room of any other student in any other dorm including any other suite in their own building.  Infractions result in a hard talking too.  Now granted, that only happens here if she enters her sister’s room; but then some things never change, so she’s pretty used to that.  

Meals are supplied, but rarely on her desired schedule.  Breakfast is long past over by the time she leaves the dark confines of her room in the mornings/afternoons - except for that one early class she has on Tuesday mornings.  Lunch is iffy at best - like at school - it is a grab and go kind of affair.  By the time she is ready to consider her breakfast/lunch combination it’s late enough that Bradley is already getting his last class and/or therapy going so her hanging out in the kitchen’s not feasible - so she grabs it and she goes.  

She’s always called to dinner - sometimes she shows up when it’s hot, sometimes she enjoys it lukewarm, but we’re still usually having dinner together as a family.  So there is that.  

She does her own laundry.  Mostly I think that she is afraid her sister will end up with her clothes - since they are almost the same size - so she takes care of her own.  I don’t complain, I’ve been doing less for her for awhile so that someday she might survive on her own when she does decide to move out.  She’ll probably use disposable dishes, silverware, and cups because she will never keep up with her dish washing details...but hey, they’ll be sitting in her sink - not mine.  

So Madison lives in the dorm, while living in her room here at the house.  She takes the attempt to try and meet with some of her new friends up at the campus for two reasons.  She needs to make friends in college, and she needs to start feeling like her college is a second home to her.  It has taken a bit to push her out of her shell, but we think that she is starting to move herself out of feeling like she is still in High School, and starting to feel like she is a college student.  

Madison is still working at a local restaurant, hostess.  She is interacting with people and she is learning how to be successful in her first job.  And they really seem to like her, she is a people pleaser, she wants to help.  So she is really a great employee because she is really a great kid.  She is creating connections at work, but not sure she has found work friends as yet.  Though that is misleading, Madison sees everyone as a friend until they are not.  People at work are friends, they just aren’t her hang out with you outside of work friends yet.  

Just this week, she attended a Bible study group with her cousin.  A quiet little connection to each other that had never had the opportunity to grow.  But now, now they might be able to create a close connection to each other and maybe a friendship all while they are enjoying the chance to delve into their Faith.  I didn’t push the Church on the kids when they were younger because Eric and I come from completely different types of Church and finding a good balance has been hard.  Instead, we have developed, encouraged and made Faith a part of their lives every day.  We talk about Faith, we talk about God.  We talk about the Whys.  

Now, Madison is old enough for her own choices about her Faith.  And she was so excited by her Group last night, she took notes and when she came home, she shared her notes with me.  What she thought, what she felt, how she felt and how she felt it related to her and spoke to her.  It was pretty great actually.  As a parent, you can talk until you are blue in the Face, but until they are ready to listen and take the information on board, there are some areas that they just won’t take on until they are ready.  I feel like in this area, Madison is ready.  And I am thrilled. I know part of it was having a full conversation with her, but I’m a mom of a young adult starting to delve into her own life.  But the bigger part of me is thrilled that she is starting to find her Faith.  These are troubling times, having Faith is her best defense against the hardest parts of the road that lies before her - I pray for her all the time, but I pray that her Faith will be strong enough to guide her through whatever is to come.  

So how does she fit in with the family?  When she is available to be present with the family, she is completely in.  Perfect example, Friday mornings she has later classes and Bradley has early therapy.  When we get home Bradley has about an hour before he has to jump onto a private speech lesson with his school Speech pathologist. Every time we come home, she is ready to greet him.  She is waiting on the other side of the door so that when he steps into the house he is ready to step right into her arms for huge hugs with someone that greets him with an incredible level of excitement and joy.  What follows depends on his mood.  If he is overly tired, they end up on the couch as he naps beside her.  If he is pretty active, they are either watching something together on the couch, or giggling uncontrollably while they are busting a move to “Just Dance”.   It’s all super cute really.  And it isn’t just on Friday mornings, there are other random hours in her schedule throughout the week where her free time meshes with his free time and the two connect completely and joyfully.  I often find them snuggled up on her bed watching something on her tv, or she is watching something on tv and he is back to his IPad.  But he is snuggled into her and he’s pretty happy about that.

Madison is still a huge part of Bradley’s life and happiness.  He looks to her to be his ally, his best buddy, his crazy partner in crime.  She makes him giggle just by being her crazy self, and the more he laughs the more she makes him laugh until she laughs so hard she is wiping tears and he is just exhausted.  What a beautiful gift!  I do believe that the two of them will continue to share a special relationship and closeness throughout his life; Bradley (and all of us) are just Blessed that for now, her path of choice keeps her in his daily life.  Life changes pretty fast, and we know that changes will be coming down the line pretty quickly, so we’re just taking in each day as it comes.  

Madison lives her weird dorm/home existence and Bradley draws her to him as often as her free time allows.  Dad and I are just along for the ride.  We are trying to keep her grounded, even as she tries to take the foundation we laid for her and build her own foundation.  EstablishIng her way forward.  She’s a really good kid, to say we are proud of her would be an understatement.  She loves her sister (even when Sydney doesn’t want her too), she loves her parents, and she adores her brother.  Just based on that alone, everything will work itself out from there.  

Jokes and Trick or Treating

 October 8, 2020

Bradley has a portion on his Speech IPad that allows him to ask if anyone would like to hear a joke.  I learned it yesterday when he came out of speech and his Therapist asked him if he wanted to ask me if I wanted to hear a joke.  I of course said yes.  So he manipulated his IPad screens until he got to the jokes page and then proceeded to ask me his joke.  The joke is punny and silly, but the biggest joy and laugh was actually in the incredibly happy grin on his face as he passed me and climbed into the van.  He popped into his seat and put on the top part of his harness, ready to head home again, and incredibly proud of himself.  Sometimes, he’s so very cute!

Today during his Behavior therapy, he decided to keep his string of words flowing by continuing to add details to his words.  For example, when he saw a duck he didn’t just say “Duck” he described the duck as  “Brown duck” and then a few pictures later, he saw another “Duck” but he willingly added, “Green Duck.”  

Tonight, Madison headed to a Youth Group and Sydney was taken to a volleyball practice by Eric, so Bradley and I spent the evening together.  So he proceeded to don his favorite IronMan costume complete with gloves and his mask, and then he had to empty his Halloween pumpkin so that we could practice going door to door and Trick or Treating.  So I grabbed a Rubik’s Cube, a fidget cube, a bottle of bubbles and a duplo block and then I hurried into my bedroom, closed the door and waited a bit impatiently.  I listened to him shuffle down the hall until he finally managed to get to my door and knock.  I opened the door and with a bit of prompting, he said “Trick or Treat”.  Then I hurried into his room, shut the door and waited while he giggled, hurried back, and then knocked again.  I opened the door, prompted him and he said “Trick or treat.”  We repeated this two more times and then he took his pumpkin to the kitchen table to empty and check out what wonderful treats he had received.  

Bradley wasn’t interested in anything but the fidget box.  He has never been interested in the fidget box before, no matter how many times I have played with it in front of and with him to try and draw his interest.  Tonight, he thought it was the funnest toy to play with for a good five minutes.  Then he grew tired of it, grabbed his speech IPad and proceeded to tell me both his jokes.  

Meds, bath and jammies...and then I took his empty syringes to the kitchen and then came zooming around the corner of the kitchen to find him sacked out on the couch before I could even get him to take him back for books, songs, or snuggles.  Sigh.  So I got him up and took him to bed, where he was out within moments.  Sadly, he was not to stay down, he would wake up whimpering thirty minutes later crying - so I would sit with him on the couch until he would calm down and return to sleep.  

I think he might be down for as long as he will stay down for a night’s sleep, we’ll always take what we can get when it comes to that.  As for me, sitting here with two dogs and one (and sometimes two) cats to occasionally keep me company, waiting for the rest of the family to return home again.  Until then, the animals and “Downton Abby” and I are patiently waiting for the chicks to return to the nest.  :-).  

Trying to Learn

 October 7, 2020

So we’ve seen some return in behaviors from Bradley that we had eased over the last few months. He has been more compliant with demands made on him, like let’s go change your pants and do your meds...let’s go get a bath, let’s go eat.  Don’t ever confuse compliance with lack of an opinion though.  He is quite vocal about the fact that he doesn’t want to do any or all of those things above, but he would still get up and do it for us.  He still will, but the defiance and complaint is a little elevated right now.  Why?  

Well, for one, the Zooms have started again.  Not only is he forced to do school over Zoom, he has a new teacher and NO BUS.  Honestly; for Bradley, school is a ridiculous concept if there is no bus.  Talk about creating a monster.  No bus, so in his opinion, why are we doing that class thing anyway?  And about once a month or so; this isolation gets too much, so tonight he grabbed his backpack, loaded it with a single domino, his milk, his juice, asked to wear socks and was ready to head out for the bus.  Redirection took some work.  And frustration was pretty high. But we worked through it, because we totally get how sad he is about how things are right now.  

His actual Zoom time has lessened as we have kept him in his therapies, so his hardest day is Tuesday.  They want three sessions, we do what he’ll do.  And he protests and fights, but they are getting better at offering more music and books and videos - less about the branches of the government...so Bradley is a bit more willing to at least stay awake - well sometimes.  If his teacher talks too long, he just tunes her out and chooses to nap.  Kind of an MO for him.  

Lots of talking.... 

Why does she keep talking Mom?

                                                                        Whatever, I give up. 

If he doesn’t nap and they can’t grab his attention with a video or game, he will protest loudly.  And we are quite certain that all are grateful that we have an ability to mute him.  We try to prevent the fist to the head as much as we can, but there is just an acceptance that he is not a fan of Zoom. 

So school can cause behaviors, but usually only during school.  But the rest of the day, we are also seeing more behaviors because he is showing that he can start using his words and we are pushing him to move from one word to a sentence of a group of words.  Now to be fair, my son beams every time he puts a few words together to create a sentence that we understand.  He gets so very proud of himself, his smile is so bright he could power a mid-size town.  And then when he gets what he asked for he is completely reinforced to try again.  

We are getting behaviors now because he doesn’t always get what he wants.  I think I mentioned that he has asked for a popsicle at 8 in the morning.  Yeah, well, even mom has her limits.  So I made him waffles and he ate one of them and then he got a popsicle.  Why on earth right?  Well, the idea is to make him see he has to eat his meal first and then get his treat.  Not ideal after breakfast, but the span of is memory and the scope of his understanding is as yet still short.  I can’t tell him no you have to wait until after lunch and then you can have one, we aren’t certain that he will understand that after his lunch in four hours he will get a popsicle. Someday, but not today. 

Instead, we pay attention to now and we battle the little fights with a little bit of shorter spanned If/Then - which is a whole other visual card that we have to use in our house. You know it’s going to go well when he taps the first “If” picture and then taps the seconds “then” picture and then goes directly to his “first” activity.  On an amazing day, he doesn’t complain about it.  He just understands and moves along.  On a typical day, he complains about it, but will eventually do it.  We might have to grab his token chart and work him through it, but it happens and is relatively successful.  

Right now, there are times the token board isn’t quickly successful until we work through some frustration, a weighted blanket for a few minutes, some compression squeezes and working through it slowly but surely.  Once we can get him into the mode of compliance then we have to work.  We can keep it so simple that he repeats his numbers, the alphabet, repeating some simple gestures...whatever we can get him to do where he is not crying and fighting, when he is calm and complies he gets a token.  Sometimes behavior therapy looks that simple, but has the greatest reach.  And then when he is calmer and is ready to work for something he really wants, then the sentences come out and increase.  He starts looking at pictures, and maybe he sees a duck, and he says duck...but instead of just saying duck...he’ll say “Yellow Duck” and then the next picture is of cats, but instead of just saying “cats” he’ll say “three cats” purposefully adding detail he isn’t required to add, but the kind of detail that creates excitement and enthusiasm that encourages him to do it again and again.  That same response for times when he says “I want green cars please.” Or “I want blue tiles please” and a myriad of other sentences that he is stringing together with help, but also completely on his own because he is learning that he is going to get excitement and tokens that lead him to the treats he wants.  We’re working hard with him and we’re working hard to make sure that Bradley feels like he is playing as much as possible because he is just a little boy.  

Tools, all these tools in our tool box to help Bradley navigate his life.  We want there to be more joy than frustration, more happiness than anger, and more safety and less harm to him or others.  So we are learning how to fit these procedures into our life.  Simple, yes.  But make no mistake, simple does not mean easy.  And they are so straight forward you would think they would be, but it is difficult to maintain the same methods with perfect consistency.  So we are trying to have optimum consistency, accepting that perfection is not feasible, nor is it necessary.  

There’s always something more to learn and something more to teach and each day just provides a new canvas for us to try to help Bradley create the masterpiece that is him.