Love in the Quiet

 October 13, 2020

There is something special about putting a child to sleep. 

Bradley and I are on our own tonight, so after getting him ready for bed, he ended up falling asleep on the couch.  After a bit, I picked him up to take him to bed.  Luckily, Bradley is still a small boy so I am still able to carry him without too much difficulty.  And he is big enough that he can fit his arms and legs securely around me when I pick him up.  

But as I carried him down the hall, he settled his head against my shoulder and I could feel his breath against my neck in that sweet innocence that only small children have, and I was taken back to the first moment that I held one of my babies and then my mind skipped down through my memories to remember all those moments that I have held my babies when they were babies.  I was back to the time when holding my baby was the only plan on my agenda, and rocking a child to sleep was all that mattered. 

There is such a moment of trust that happens when a small child is lying against your shoulder and starting to give in to sleep that they usually fight so much.  Granted, bedtime is not really the fun part of the evening, not that I mind the stories, the lullabies, or the snuggling - God knows that I adore the snuggling. But it’s the quiet moments when a little hand is holding mine and little eyelids are starting to flutter as they close in relief, even after a mighty fight to stay awake, the final drop into slumber is everyone’s relief.  

Bradley has such a hard time with sleeping so it can be quite easy to think that the whole process of bedtime in our house is such a horrible event; when in fact, it is one of the best times in our house.  I will not deny that the medication Bradley gets each night definitely helps him fall sleep without much delay or much drama.  And I also won’t deny that when that little boy climbs into your lap and lays his head on your shoulder as he starts to fall asleep, he snuggles in and makes you forget all about Bedtime routine and whether or not he needs to go immediately to bed or if a little longer snuggling would be okay.  

And although I am quite the pushover for these times; it turns out that Eric is just as much a pushover as I am.  Our little boy is growing up way too fast, and the fact that he is willing to love on us now cannot be denied.  What’s more?  My little girls are not little girls any longer and they are already so grown, getting snuggles from them is not as likely anymore. As for Bradley, he is just as likely to sneak up for a kiss as he is to ignore us throughout the day.  He is capable of incredible sweetness and incredible disregard all within the same span of a few moments.  To be fair, if I ask for kisses or hugs, he will give them - but spontaneity is less likely.  If we tell him “I love you,” he will say it back.  And I am here to say that when I told him I loved him and he repeated it to me, I thought my heart would burst.  As it is, I have not heard him tell me he loved me on his own, but I do believe that someday soon, Bradley will tell me or tell Eric that he loves one of us, all on his own without prompting.  Someday.  

Until then, we will continue to cheat time and steal the snuggles and all the quiet little moments that Bradley will allow us to have with him.  I will treasure the moments that he lays his head on my shoulder and trusts me to hold him and love him while he sleeps.  I will continue to hold his small fingers in mine as I put him to bed and ease him towards sleep, for however long he’ll stay there.  But then, Bradley is a unique little boy, and with his extra chromosome he is uniquely ours in a special way that allows us to have our little boy to be with us even as he grows into an adult.  And if we keep fighting to help him to find his voice then someday, surely his sweet voice will come out and tell us what he wants to say and what he needs.  And if there are Blessings to be had - then perhaps someday, he will share his heart with us too.  

Until that day comes, I will take all the snuggles I can get and share all the moments of love that my sweet boy can give me whether he tells me in words or just from the soulful blue eyes that hold my heart as  completely today as it always has.  

And such is the joy and struggle of bedtime at our house, a loving struggle indeed!