October 11, 2020
It’s always been an interesting job being a mom to these three kids. When the girls were little I taught them their alphabet, how to use a potty, how to say their prayers and a million little things in between that they never knew they were being taught. Most often, something I had taught them at home but they hadn’t shown me, would start to show up at the daycare or the babysitter’s. A perfect example, I worked and worked to help Madison write her name and she never would. He very first day of Pre-School they practiced and at her drop off the next morning she signed her name like she’d been doing it her whole life. Ah hmmm... And that was the first of so many similar instances that she would treat me too, and then Sydney would do the same thing to me. And it wasn’t that I was mad, but perhaps frustrated a bit. I think that as we grow in our lives, we start to believe that we need proof that we have done the work. As if by not seeing the result play out in front of us we have no real proof that we did the job we were supposed to do and know that success has been achieved.
I see now that they were merely preparing me for the life I would have. Once my girls headed off to school, their growth has been exponential. So much that I am always left to wonder how much of a role I actually had in their learning, and how much I was merely the vessel for them to be able to get to the level of maturity to start that learning process. Considering how big their brains are, how big their dreams, it is obvious to me that they are far surpassing my brain power - and they are still getting smarter. I do believe that how they treat people, how they stand up and advocate for themselves and defend others did come from home. And it does make me feel better when they let slip the little stories about the life they are leading away from home and I hear or catch small little connections to things that have been said or done at home.
Being forced to be home has certainly put the pressure on the girls. Not only do they have to keep the academics up, but they are forced to juggle an impossible situation. They have friends that were not forced home and were allowed out and about. A group that were allowed to be around their friends as often as they wanted. For the girls, this was a truly difficult situation. Madison Struggled with her isolations from them more than Sydney, but understandable in that Sydney has asthma and does feel the pressure of a potential illness that could take her life because of her asthma. But they both were also aware that they had a Dad with a heart issue that put him at a higher risk then even their immune compromised brother, and he definitely has risk. Madison had bubbling up frustration that overflowed in tears and disappointment and a definite dose of depression. While Sydney also suffered her on frustrations, but hers overflowed with a healthy dose of anger. Why couldn’t her friends understand that there were circumstances and reasons that she and her sister were not able to be at all the events and hangouts? Having to think of more than yourself when you are still in your teens is certainly a tough road to travel, and one that certainly ask so much more from you than your typical kid in the neighborhood.
Regardless of their friends and that situation that is ever changing, the girls were suddenly less influenced by their teachers and friends in class, and more by us and those friends that were in their circle and who they could see. Suddenly, their presence in Bradley’s life was a little more constant with more time in their daily schedules to be with their brother. With nowhere else to go, there was certainly a need to dust off the Wii and get them playing bowling and tennis with Bradley. The best afternoons have been the dance parties that they enjoy where the girls are playing together and Bradley is right in between them, mostly turning in circles but sometimes trying to imitate his sisters. Without friends and peers for Bradley to practice social skills with, the girls have to be the replacements in the hopes that someday he will be able to return to playing with other friends. Maybe they don’t realize they are teaching him, but they are and he is trying so hard to learn.
As hard as the school closure has been and the nightmare that was the Zoom sessions, Bradley is starting to show us some of the positive behaviors that he used to show only his teachers or therapists. He has been home so long and we have worked so many hours of therapy (in and out of Zoom) and school (mostly what I do off of Zoom) that we are starting to get to see more of all those positive behaviors that we were always told about in other environments. Now I am starting to feel like we have flipped the switch on my mom job from what I had with the girls. I always knew that with Bradley my involvement would be constant, ever changing and primary. But I was starting to think that my role was always going to be to deflect the poor behavior and work him into compliance for someone else. Now I don’t think that is still the case. He has to work with mom, he has to practice his word building and his numbers and he’s doing it. What he would never do before, he is now willing (though grudgingly) to work with me. It’s such a change from how things worked with the girls and until this shutdown, with Bradley too.
Right now there is less inconsistency in how we handle Bradley and his behaviors. His therapists and parents are all on the same program and the same behavior plan. We are learning from them and we are constantly sharing strategies and helping each other with what is being worked on. Something that has been missing from school. We used to have access to his teacher and his program, we could talk and we could learn what was happening and make sure that he was getting the support he needed so he could learn academically and socially. But as the school year went on; we were given a new principal, who gave us less and less access to our kids’ learning environment and teachers to the point that even the aides were no longer allowed to interact with us parents. An air of secrecy that dissolved into ridiculous once the schools shut down and we didn’t go back. We parents tried to put our kids on Zoom once a week and then when they wanted four days a week, we realized it was about money and not about our kids well-being, growth or education.
Last week, the school district for Bradley has asked for our input about a possible return to school. We are hearing nothing from the High School or the College. But Bradley’s school is trying to forge ahead to get kids back in the classroom. Here’s where it gets weird for me. I think my kiddo needs to be in school, but I have been listening to the emergence of his voice, I have been watching the increase in his ability to navigate his world with success and I see that it is through the therapies that we have put him in three days a week. Not to mention the Behavior Therapy that is teaching him to deal with emotions and the tough choices in life like having to wait or be flexible... so I am left with a new dilemma. We keep being told return to school will be a hybrid, with possibly one or two days back at school, the rest at home. How willing are we to turn his whole world upside down for a day or two? Do I want to try to find some other therapy days and times that provide him the success he is getting so he can go for a few hours each day? So for now, we have asked for a Hybrid schedule for him that would send him Tuesday and/or Thursday only, allowing for him to continue to learn and grow as he has been at therapy three mornings a week.
I guess for now we are i a wait and see mode. We want Bradley to progress in his language skills, maybe even getting to spontaneous language, we would love for Sydney to get to play Volleyball for High School get her driver’s license and maybe experience some of the fun that comes with High School, and we’d really like Madison to get to spend some time at her College and start to feel like she is finally out of High School and maybe she too could enjoy some of the fun parts of College life too. These are not big thins on their own, but based on these last seven months; suddenly, they are the biggest things!
We are back to our one day at a time mode and hoping for the best, not because of the usual medical parts, but because that is how life is being lived right now. Though we have a lot of experience with this, it is tough all the same.
Until tomorrow friends have a great Sunday night!
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