I love Sundays. As my catch up day it is usually my most peaceful day because it lets me close out a week and open a new one fresh. Some Sundays we end up running harder than ever, some we get to relax. This was a running Sunday. And though it wasn’t peaceful, it was productive and something I needed. I spent my morning with the family and the afternoon helping two dear friends finish prepping, wrapping and staging gifts for the Seniors on this year’s volleyball team. We are gearing up to the end of the season and it truly feels like we just started. The girls played their first summer league game on the 14th of August…summer league was disjointed and messy as the kinks of a year lost showed themselves and the girls had to learn to play together, the younger girls had to learn how to play best of five rather than best of three, and girls that last played during a quick six day season in March - it sure showed. But come the start of league, we were hoping for some wins in the midst of the losses. Turns out we are sitting at 4-1. Not sure how the Season will end, but right now - I think everyone is pretty, pleasantly surprised by that - I know we are. 😁. So yeah, Senior Night is bearing down on us, and as much as the usual weeks tend to go slow, I know for a fact it will feel like a minute and we’ll be standing on the court and hugging my daughter, all while I will be trying not to bawl my eyes out.
But that’s the way of things isn’t it? No matter how you try to live in the moment and appreciate where we are in those moments, time just marches relentlessly forward. I remember back when Eric and I were preparing to get married, a dear friend looked at me and said, “take a moment to be there, forget the hustle and the bustle, and allow yourself a moment to be there and soak it in.” Of all the advice I received that day, and I received some amazing words of wisdom to carry with me over the next 24 years, that is the tidbit that has had the greatest impact. That is the advice that I give to others as well.
The day before Season started, I looked at my daughter and I told her: “I know that there will be a lot of pressure on you, you worked to be a Captain because you wanted to achieve that goal. You got it, now comes the work to stand under that pressure and the weight. But every time you walk onto that court, remember that this is your last year, each away game, that is your last time walking into those gyms. So take a moment to breath and take it all in. Memories are fickle and they fade faster than you like, but when you take the time to feel yourself in these moments, you will remember them better and longer in the future. And in the years to come, you will want to remember these times.”
And because she is a really bright kid, with a lot of empathy and genuine kindness in her make-up, she has taken the words to heart. So last week, we went to our last away game at Oak Park, and there was the pure adrenaline rush that comes with a win - but she looked at me and told me she was a little emotional. Not only had they won (to had been years since they beat that team in their home gym - let alone sweep them in the season) but they were playing there for the last time and it made her a little sad.
I could only laugh at that and hug her, knowing inside I am feeling these emotions with every moment as I see her walking through her Senior year. When she leaves to head to school or practice and I watch her go because she has her license and no longer needs a ride. When I hear her key in the afternoon, I see that she is moving more into the realm that Madison is in now. Coming and going as her schedule requires, no longer a part of my schedule as she doesn’t need me to get her places. It’s a mixed review in my head and heart. She is growing up like she is supposed too, she’s a young adult and making her own plans and decisions and that is the way it is supposed to be, but doesn’t really make it any easier for her mom and dad for sure.
Madison may live at home but with each passing day another part of the nest is falling away as she is growing into the life and career she wants to live. Sydney will do the same and that’s a good thing, but it’s never easy to be left behind.
Though Bradley will keep all his feathers in this nest as he grows, he will have his own growing pains and sadness. He is not able to gather these moments to hold close and appreciate. He just feels the absences more and more. This morning he got up with Dad and I got up a little bit later. When I walked out, he came running to me like he hadn’t seen me in days and not less than an hour when he first came into our room to sit on the bed with me wearing a Santa Hat he found and then put on me. But that’s the way it will be now. He will be looking for them, for me, for Dad, for the person that is absent. During therapy, he asks for his sisters and dad on his IPad constantly. When he walks in and they are here, he attaches himself like a Koala Bear and when Sydney isn’t here, he wants to go to Volleyball, because he knows that’s where she is all the time. He won’t understand that Senior Night is special except he’ll notice and appreciate the presence of balloons. The balloons will attract his attention and let him know there is something going on with the day, but he will block out the noise and commotion that overwhelms him by watching his movie, looking up to check in on the world around him occasionally. He won’t remember the moment, but I will. I will stand in the crowd and feel the world move around me as I take just a moment to BE there and feel all the emotions that such an occasion brings because such an occasion deserves to be felt deeply and completely. My daughter has become an amazing young woman and turns out she’s a pretty good volleyball player too; the end of her volleyball season is a huge moment in her life. You can bet I will be having all the feels and then trying to hold it all together to get through a really big game.
And then the season will end, and the rest of Senior year will march double time until Graduation day. I wish I could slow it down; but I can’t, I can only be an active participant in what is happening now and hope it is enough to cement my own memories for the days ahead when the world turns and my girls are out in the world and living the lives they were created to lead. My sweet boy will miss them, but we will do that together and still forge our own path into the life and adventures that will make up the rest of Bradley’s life. Because that is how life goes right?
Happy Sunday Friends!
31For21 Challenge for Down Syndrome Awareness.
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