In The Midst

It’s kind of funny.  Some days, some moments, I find myself standing in the middle of activity; even chaos, just soaking it all in.  As if by just taking a moment, I can take a picture that stores in my memories.  I never did this until my wedding.  Some loving person, hugged me before the big day and told me Congratulations, but then told me to take the time to be present on the big day.  To take it all in.  Maybe because my guy was on deployment, maybe because somewhere in my cerebral matter I knew they were right... I did just that.  I tried to truly see each moment, the people and the family.  All the time I spent with my mom, doing all the wedding things.  The long writing sessions between Eric and I as we planned out our dream day, mostly over email or payphones that were installed on the ship.  It was difficult, and at the time one of the hardest things I would do...but it was just a test, a chance to give me experience at doing the hard stuff that would come later.

Going to Japan...rough.  Leaving Japan...rough.  I was terrified to leave home, but we made Japan home and in return Japan gave us Madison.  After that, it was just a deep breath and here we go again.  El Centro gave us Sydney, but gave Eric the start of his health problems.  Heart failure and Cardio Myopathy, asthma... tough stuff indeed.  Some more moving, some attempt to find a forever home, but that medical stuff would loom in our lives.  When he was med-evaced out of Bahrain...the wait through Germany, then San Francisco...all the fear coalescing in one constant ache to put my arms around him and know he was going to be okay.  My heart still remembers him leaving us in San Diego, the girls and I with him until he walked onto the plane.  To this day, my eyes well up as I can still hear the kind words of the flight attendant telling him: “Take all the time you need.”  Tears then, and tears when he came walking into the terminal at Miramar Air Station.  Madison squealing, and running.  Sydney watching and toddling to him because her sister did and what Madison did Sydney always did.  Then she was squealing when she knew it was him and he was holding them both in his arms.

Our forever home that wasn’t, as the Navy sent us back to Japan.  And our marriage was tested.  The potential life change, happened in a positive way as we worked through the downs together.  The joy of a freshness that felt stronger than before.  The disappointment when we tried for a third baby but it just didn’t happen until we were way past trying, or wanting...and God said Hello.

The ups and downs...how we lived as a family had plenty.  But life was precious and I knew that our life in Japan was a gift, a special time carved out to be the best of times, the greatest place to be for these little girls to grow.  And when Bradley arrived, the feeling of being loved was overwhelming.  I knew that Eric was loved, that people respected him and cared about him.  I knew my girls held a special place amongst his friends.  For me, I only had a few close friends.  Two at another base, and a neighbor that worked her way under my guard and addicted me to creamer...I mean, coffee.  My other friends were my students, and though that is a different relationship, the richness of how important they were to me, how much joy they added to my life can never be fully explained or ever forgotten.  We had it good in Japan, we had a place and I knew and felt it daily.

When I was pregnant with Bradley, I found people would see me and rather than just pass, they would stop and talk to me, ask after me and the baby.  A woman who would become one of my dearest friends, started talking to me every morning at school drop off.  When I was diagnosed with Melanoma, my world grew.  Sydney’s teacher had suffered much worse than I had, but she helped us through it all.  When I was so exhausted after teaching my class and slept through my two alarms, which made me very late for school pickup...my friend grabbed Madison and seeing Sydney’s teacher keeping her close, they waited in the classroom until Eric could come.  I woke up and panicked, running out of the house with only my keys.  Embarassed,  but relieved.  We had a village there, and they were as protective of my children as I was.  And I had Eric, who was out of work within moments of the call; driving my walking route to school, trying to decide where to go first - a mess of
anxiety because it had not been an easy pregnancy and that was before the Melanoma raised its ugly
head.  After that, he took over more, I rested more.  He was excited to have a son and to be a dad to a new baby.  He was in a schedule where he could be around more and he felt the girls had been great teachers so he could be a better dad.  How he was going to improve on what he already was, I’m not sure...but he wanted too and that was pretty amazing in itself.

Bradley was a shock for sure.  But Bradley brought blessings and so much love with him.  And time had taught us how to endure the scary stuff and keep fighting until it wasn’t so scary anymore.  Any time we’ve faltered, someone has been there to pick us up.  God sends his Angels to us all the time.  And in the midst, I still find moments of standing in the middle of my life and taking it all in.  Now more than ever I see it all for how important it is, how precious each moment truly can be.  And in some ways how much harder things are than they were.

Time is marching unerringly forward.  What I know is that I am limited in how much I get with my
girls.  So I store moments away for later, I take pictures and I write down the funny stories for me, but also for them to have someday...to jog their memories so they can return to here and now in their memories, in the hope that on the bad days to come - something will help.  And on the good days - something from our time now is the foundation for their lives later.  And I hope that the foundations we create today will be set strong for them later.  And when I tell them to be here in the moment, live now and be here now...I hope they are listening and trying.  Or that someday it will make sense to them and they will start.  I often worry that what we’ve been through is a challenge for later events.  Perhaps that’s why I tried to protect the girls from the bulk of Bradley’s health scares when he was a baby.  I wanted them to have young lives...not older than their years way too soon.  One Grand Mal seizure later and that blew that out of the water.  What they imagined was worse than the truth, so they got the truth.

For me, the past has built into my today.  What I learned from yesterday are all the pieces that I use
now to put this puzzle together in a way that allows me to cope with the bad stuff, rejoice in the good,
and take the necessary steps to stop and revel in the Blessings that abound in my life.  Thanking God for the family that I get to travel this road with is something that happens daily.  Grateful for the sweet man that almost totally gets me, and still loves me...that happens constantly.  We aren’t perfect, we don’t always agree and sometimes we don’t see eye to eye... but we are perfect for each other, a stubborn couple who refuses to turn away from this love we have nurtured between Us.

Life is a journey: dress for the changes in the weather, wear good shoes as the road is long and sometimes rocky, take pictures - real ones and ones you store in your heart, and never forget the love that guides you on your way.  Be present in the here and now.  And stop every once in a while to just take it all in.