Day 11 - Desensitized?
Something has happened to us. I can't pinpoint the moment, I can't decide when or really where, but it's happened and there's no turning back for us. Somehow, we've graduated to a different group of parents. With our first child we were so green it's lucky the kid made it this far. We weren't neglectful, we were the opposite - and we still are too over protective. But then she wasn't completely healthy either. She gave us our first lessons in dealing with acid reflux...with the flirtation of surgeries because she was borderline between continuing medication and discussing surgery. Lucky for us, she was gaining some weight and developing ahead of time. But going through things with her was quickly teaching us how to hold her down for medicine, holding her down for clearing congestion, holding her down for needle pokes, and a couple IV insertions. We came out pale and traumatized, but hey...she's still here. Her sister, a few minor issues, but her reflux was not so bad. Her stuff came when she was older...and everything she does, she does it calmly and with a stoicism that astounds me and humbles me. But her stuff came after so much of Bradley's stuff...so maybe we taught her that...maybe the very few times she has seen him suffering through his stuff has made her so incredibly strong while making the older one so incredibly sensitive to his every sniffle. They are so different in how they handle pain, but neither way is the perfect way. One is all passion, one is all silent resolve...both are difficult to interpret. I don't know how much of this is part of their DNA, or how much is from what we created in their DNA and taught them once they were here...but we're working to make sure we are not missing the important stuff as we go along.
And we're looking really carefully now...because being Bradley's parents I am afraid is making us become desensitized. We worried about this latest surgery, but we also were calm, waiting quietly and without the obvious outward signs of fear. My bag was packed with what I would need to pass the night with him in the hospital, I was ready for the discomfort to me...ready to hold him all night if he needed it to keep him calm, or read all night in case I couldn't sleep and he could - I was ready. I even slept a little the night before we went. I think waking to check the clock a few times to make sure we didn't oversleep is very normal for any big day...and we both did that. At the hospital we didn't so much ask questions as supply information, making sure that every new person knew what they needed to ensure that Bradley was taken care of and given all that he needed. So worried after such a tough time in January we were focused on his breathing and how he came out of the surgery. And together with his doctors, he came out really well and we were able to bring him home.
Today I was thinking that we had flowed through it pretty well. That perhaps we were becoming too used to all this stuff and maybe that wasn't such a good thing. Maybe good that it doesn't take such a toll but tough that we have had to do it too much... And then I realized, we were becoming desensitized to the function, the necessity of the processes, but when it comes to the emotional side - nope, we're still pretty raw. I had to fight back tears when I said goodbye to my girls, because separating from them for something like this really strikes a cord in me. I slept because our life is exhausting and I am learning to sleep when I can even if it is not well. I felt relief to my very soul when they told us that they wouldn't be trying to stick him for his IV while he was awake, that they would be knocking him out with gas and then putting his IV in. And then I felt a new scar on my heart when we took note that it still took them five sticks to get it right. They asked us to hug and kiss him, then walk away while the nurse went the other way...it was really hard to turn around and not see him till he was out of sight; so much that, I looked over my shoulder until they were gone. And my breakfast, I got it down, not sure when we'd eat again and if I would be fasting for the night when Eric had to leave...but it sat in angry rebellion. With every development: good breathing, waking up, drinking water, another nap, some good eating, good venting of his tube, and a diaper...and I just started to feel better and better. When we were able to leave with him in our arms...it was surreal, as if we'd never even been there - like we had both somehow dreamed the same dream. But Bradley has a bandage on his belly and he's been offering kisses and cuddles all day...so well, we know it happened. The kisses and the cuddles are merely a perk - like his way of letting us know that we aren't so desensitized after all - we're just getting better. We've learned the art of staring at each monster long enough to take away its power to shock us, and then we can tame the fear and get back to Bradley, the sweet little boy patiently waiting for us to catch up. We're catching up a little quicker each time, but wonder what it would be like to not have too.
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