Saying Thank You

We Can Never Say Thank You Enough

When we had Bradley my world turned upside down and in an attempt to right it again, I turned to research as the soothing balm to heal a tattered soul.  I am a researcher.  There is no other way to describe me.  The Library is like my personal oasis, you give me a question and I will find answers in the quiet aisles surrounded by the smell of old books; a sweet perfume that has always brought me peace and quite honestly, contentment.  Sitting in a hospital in Japan, I was sadly lacking in books, I was sadly lacking in the kind of information that grounds me, offers me a foundation that I can learn to feel comfortable standing on and one I can claim.  The books would come and the research would start pouring in and it would come quickly so much that at one point I turned it off in order to just sit and think...to absorb the life in my arms and marvel at the blue of his eyes, the serenity that poured from them into mine.  Even on my worst days; and they would come and come often, my son watched me with such intensity and such patience - ever so eloquently screaming out that he loved me through the only way an infant can, that calm and steady gaze. 

But his lessons for me are another story, and another tale for another day.  Because I know that I am now and have from the moment he entered the world a student at his knee, constantly trying to grasp the next lesson that he has to teach me.  My first lesson came with his arrival.  There were plenty of books, blogs, websites...plenty of information that made me weep for other parents and the trials they went through.  The way hospitals have treated the children, how nurses and doctors have offered to supply the family with a place to take the child, a phone number of a place that will take your baby if you don't want it...and this just goes on and on.  I was stunned that this was prevalent, I was horrifed that this was a common practice, today in a time where it was perfectly all right to take your baby and raise him at home with you, together almost as if you are a family...wait, that's what you are right?  A family.  And we aren't talking archaic books that were written thirty years ago when it wasn't common practice, where my son would have been pushed towards an Institution.  I shudder at the thought, I feel so sad for those families - so heartbreaking. 

But right now I wanted to say a thank you.  Our birth story was difficult yes, but not made worse by those that surrounded us.  Some could argue that being in Japan, it wasn't like there was an easy way to send him off to someone else - I mean we were on a military base for goodness sake.  There's a Japanese orphange, but it isn't like they want our American child, or like those who are on a list wanting a child with Down Syndrome were anywhere around.  You could argue that sure...but that wasn't even implied to us.  Ours was very different, ours was life changing, and in some ways life saving. 

The Midwife who delivered my son told us he was gorgeous as she encouraged me to open my eyes after that last push and see him.  She always greeted him with "Hi Handsome!" and it was love at first sight.  The Corpsman that held him first and checked him over, gave him his first bath was gentle with him; but gentle with us too.  He told us what a special little boy we had (He since has come to walk with us at a Buddy Walk - yeah he meant it!).  The underlying message was, "It will be okay."  Our Midwife gave us the news, and we started the process of working through the stages of grief to say good-bye to the little boy we thought we were having in order for us to move to the little boy we had. We didn't know anything, so she brought us information, and after he gave Bradley his exam and the official diagnosis the pediatrician brought us information too.  They reached out to us, holding us close as we came to terms with this very different and very new reality.  They gave us peace, but each time someone came into our room, they brought peace and calm. 

I was determined to teach him to nurse, and I fought hard, and all the corpsman that had any lactation experience helped me.  We all worked hard and when we left the hospital, Bradley was valiantly trying to latch on.  We were in Yokosuka, but we were stationed at Atsugi; our Chaplain from Atsugi came all the way down to sit with us and he brought information with him too.  His was less clinical, less of the everything that can go wrong and bit more of the optimistic sort.  We appreciated that. 

We had Bradley at 12:23 am on a Saturday morning.  When Monday hit, we were inundated with doctor visits.  The Dermatologist who found my Melanoma while I was pregnant came to see us.  She checked a small cyst that Bradley had on his hand and assured me that it was not connected to my Melanoma, that it would go away in time.  But we were told to come by any time we were down for appointments so that she could check him.  My surgeon visited and after making sure I was okay, he set up for him to go back in and widen the margins around my site.  We saw another Pediatrician and we saw our Midwife, because basically everyday she came to see us...as if determined to guide us through by her will and love alone. 

We went home on a Tuesday and Friday when I was hemoraghing, it was our Midwife meeting us in the ER, and the OB/GYN who had also seen me: she arranged for me to go back to Labor & Delivery to be taken care of.  Her reasoning was that they knew me, and we'd been through enough that we needed the familiarity of that crew to help us through this new crisis.  As long as Eric could stay overnight, then Bradley would be able to stay in the room with me so I could try to nurse him.  Eric helped me once, but I'd lost so much blood I was bottomed out and slept through most of the stay in the hospital.  But I still got to hold my son and see him.  That hospital, the crew there - they made that possible for us. 

We were embraced by our Navy Hospital Crew.  We were missing the family at home, we were feeling a bit lost because none of our family had been able to make it to Japan for his birth.  We were worn out, and worn down.  Fighting Melanoma while I was pregnant, then Bradley's diagnosis...we thought that was enough to break us, but then I wouldn't stop bleeding and was back in the hospital - we should have broken. 

Maybe we did.  Where others get a baby with Down Syndrome and are encouraged to do the unthinkable and give them up; not us.  When we were given our baby and a Down Syndrome diagnosis - some amazing people were responsible for understanding the moment and the need.  They chose to take the time, make the effort, and help put us back together again.  They believed in us and for that - we are Grateful!  We can never say thank you enough!  God Bless them and the hearts that let them love our son!