Getting Ready!
After Bradley was born, and we'd had time to research and stop worrying he was gong to leave us before we even got to know him; we came to the realization that there was the possibility we would never be without our son. No one came out and said to us that he would be dependent on us for the rest of our lives, but I had known of a few adults with Down syndrome who lived at home and in all the research we read it said something along those lines, be prepared. This terrified me in a way that I found hard to understand completely, I mean understood parts of it, but not all of it. You see when Eric and I worked out some of our issues a few years before, one of those issues was the strong dependency that our other children had on us. Where I was the one holding on so very tightly, still tucking them in and still being the hovering mother - well, Dad was ready to ease them along that path to more independence. I wasn't ready and as an example, when he asked me how long I was going to tuck them in at night, I merely said, "Until they stop asking me too." It was that simple to me. I mean I couldn't then nor can I now picture my girls all grown up. I tried to imagine them off at College once, calling me from their Dorm room for fifteen minutes or an hour, if I was lucky, and then running off to do some of the things that I did in College, or (trying not to freak myself out) some of the things their Dad did when he was freshly new in the Navy. So after I sucked the air in and out of a brown, paper bag for a good five minutes, I just agreed with myself not to try to look that far ahead in my future. I agreed to try to not drive myself nuts with knowing that someday these beautiful girls of mine were going to move away from me and only spend a time on the phone or a few days visiting me now and again. I know that they could live close and see me everyday; but I am aware that these girls are destined for greatness and can't be handcuffed to their mother, no matter how much a part of her wants too. Of course, right now we discuss the probability that the girls will leave someday and they both give me panicked looks and trembling lips because they never want to leave us and we're right back to sucking on brown, paper bags, but for them. I just laugh and remind them it isn't tomorrow and when they are ready to go they will tell us, we're not going to tell them. It makes them feel better to know that they can be here forever if they want. They don't seem to mind that they'd have to do all their own chores and help out around the house if they stay...so I'm game. Why wouldn't I be? God has given me two strong and amazing girls - even as they flex their young minds and attitudes to test us; they are such a joy to have around.
And then along came Bradley and here I am looking at his future and the possibility that he may not have the choice to stay or go. Talk about your ultimate dilemmas...your complete and utter confusion. Here we are with two girls that are going to want to go and a boy that may want to go but may have to stay with us? What??? At the hospital I was flabbergasted by this conundrum. And would Eric and I be okay if that were the case, he hadn't been thrilled by the girls need for us...but had changed his opinion of it completely and been great about it the last year...how would he be with this revisiting of the issue - but on a lifetime scale? I worried and fretted - and soon learned it was foolish to fret and worry over. You see, I am the mom that loves the baby in the womb but doesn't Fall in love with the baby till out of the womb; Eric's the dad that loves and falls in love with the baby in the womb and willingly takes what we get. Regarding Bradley, "He's our baby, we love him." About Bradley probably never leaving us, "We'll get a convertible that seats three." It was just that simple. Granted the path is strewn with pitfalls and worry and tidbits of trouble; but really it's that simple. If the girls have moved on and Bradley has not or cannot, then we'll travel and live as a trio. That sounded good me to me, it felt good to me, and I stopped worrying quite so much. I still worry; because well, I'm really good at it. Here I was sad that my girls were going to move away and I didn't want them too, and then I was devastated that my son might not be able to move away if he wanted too - it felt like life was being so completely unfair - I mean geesh, throw me a bone Universe!
So fast forward to today...Bradley is 33 months old, a week shy of 34 months actually, and we are preparing to send him to Pre-School after he turns three in January. After all the talks and the research preparing for the worst, we have to send him to school...he HAS to leave me. Well, what the Hell? I get my mind all nicely wrapped around my boy hanging with me ad infinitum, and some Home Teacher tells me, "No, we're getting him ready for school!" Actually, we learned that when he was a couple months old, so it wasn't a complete shock about school, we've expected it. What shocked me are the countless stories that I see and read that are showing me that the odds are actually excellent that Bradley will be able to live, if not on his own, then with a special care giver type roommate. Huh? Let me get this straight, I wrapped my brain around the idea that at least one of my babies isn't going to move out on me, and now all his therapists and teachers are telling me that nope, he's got a great chance of being much more independent than that. Good Grief!!!
And to make it worse, I had to fill out these assessment forms today where I have to give the school district some idea of where he is developmentally. Turns a pretty good day into a downer, I mean what parent wants to sit there and concentrate on where their kid is NOT. Almost straight zeroes in speech. And I find that frustrating because he has so many signs...perhaps his words aren't coming through his mouth, but they are coming through his hands; shouldn't that count for something? Doesn't that mean he is a great communicator, but quiet about it (well sometimes anyway). Eric tells me that it's to make sure that he gets everything he needs at school, and I know he's right, he spends most of the time right - I just want them to acknowledge the skills he has, all the work he has put in to accomplish them, because it has been work, a lot of hard work. But the schools don't care what he knows, they want to know what they have to pay for and provide him. So I wasn't thrilled to do it, but I answered truthfully and I didn't toot Bradley's horn. And it sucked. But I know what he can do, I see his potential and I know that his teacher conferences in the future are going to be as positive as the ones we just had for the girls last week. It make take Bradley a little longer to figure it out, but he does and he will. He's pretty smart and he's pretty imaginative, and all in all, he keeps his brain working. I don't know how far he'll go, but then let's be honest, I don't know how far the girls will go. But they're all three going to go and they're going to have two very avid and very proud cheerleaders pushing them, pulling them if necessary, and always, always loving them.
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