Running late for 19…

 October 19, 2022

Sorry guys, a headache last night derailed my blogging attempts. It was so heavy I was starting to get dizzy so I just called it a night and collapsed in bed. 

But it was also a pretty emotional day overall. 

Turns out Bradley’s favorite OT is leaving. She asked me if I would bring Bradley today because it was her last chance to work with him. So of course I did. Something that is better for her life has come along at the same time letting her pursue her dreams a little more easily as well… of course we will miss her and the bond that she has with Bradley but it is what it is, she needs to chase her dreams and so we went to say good-bye. I just wish that Bradley could understand what is changing in his world, but he doesn’t. Even when he goes back to therapy and he doesn’t see her, he won’t understand why. So it’s hard to choke back the emotions when she is hugging my son and telling him she loves him, and I am helping him to say back that he loves her (because I know he does) - but he doesn’t understand the charge of emotion in the air, or the changes coming. And though he is a sort of roll with it kind of guy, to think that he doesn’t know, doesn’t miss people is naive at best and short-sighted at most. He will tell me in the little ways that he does. 

And because change was the password of the day…we had one more huge change. 

Bradley skipped his Speech session yesterday because we were headed to his sister’s last volleyball game. But we weren’t skipping his good-bye with OT. As I was heading to my own second good-bye of the day, I could definitely appreciate the need to have it happen so we can all move on. It’s not been a great season. From a High School Coach that let her down in every way, to a College coach that screwed her over completely…the idea was to give this JV season a try. Get her feet wet to figure out the lay of the land and how much politics would be playing a role in any future chances she had to make the Varsity team. Turns out, it is all politics. The Varsity coach has players she likes to string along and then never call them up. In the last year my girl has had four coaches that have each taken a part of her love for this game and destroyed it. And worse, they each have contributed to her new understanding of what is to be betrayed by an adult. Honestly, the last year has taken a toll on her from those she trusted the most. From friends that were her ride or die, that were false and backstabbing, to the coaches. It has been a struggle to hold the frayed ends together to knit together a lifeline that is stronger now than it has ever been, but at a cost that is not repayable. In that sense I think she is very much like me, once the knots are severed, there is no reason to hold the line any longer. 

So yesterday, she let go of Volleyball. It was abrupt and painful and for forever. She said she’ll hold her eligibility in place for Grad School, somewhere else…but I think we are all reasonably grounded in reality and we know, walking away now takes away an edge and there is little likelihood that she will be in the right place - mentally, physically, and at a level of play that she can return to the sport. And that’s okay. It’s okay to walk away. The beating she has taken, it would be detrimental for her to continue to beat her head against the system that is set to her destruction. Instead, there is a path that she plans to follow, and she will take it with the same strength and grit that made her amazing on the volleyball court. The leadership that had her picking up her High School team and carrying them to the League Championship last year will be the same that leads her into her every challenge tomorrow. When she knows and believes where she is going, her path will remain difficult but never impossible. Volleyball has become impossible, so the new direction is set and she’s already well on her way. 

I never wanted to play through her, I always enjoyed the extra bonding that came from her and Madison playing a sport I played. Dad felt it when they played softball and that was the disappointment he felt when that ended. Now it’s mine. I am still close to the girls, but I have missed that special connection with Madison and now it will also fade with Sydney. But we will find other areas to explore. Perhaps Madison and I will forge something special with her certified nursing and my fumbling through the medical world that Bradley has us living in. Not sure with Sydney, though I am working on my Japanese again in my spare time. Sigh…not much of that…but hey, you find the time for the things that are most important… so I have added Japanese to the Sign Language I am trying to improve. 

A truly emotional day (y’all, it is exhausting, and so disheartening to watch your kid get treated poorly over and over in front of you and you can’t change a thing). I feel like my Faith is being tested these days, so not knowing what else to do, I tend to pray even more. There has to be a path for each of them that will someday open into the kind of life that a truly good person deserves, and if that is not true…I am not sure my optimistic nature can survive it. 

31For21 Blog Challenge Down Syndrome Awareness and Acceptance. Sometimes he is the easiest.