Day 10: Continue Awareness and Acceptance for the 31 For 21 Challenge
Acceptance.
We fight so hard for acceptance, we want Bradley to be accepted for who he is and all the gifts in his arsenal that he brings to the table. I think we fight harder for Bradley because we have watched his oldest sister struggle. Where Bradley and Sydney have had some interesting health parallels in their lives, it seems in areas of acceptance and simply living, Bradley and Madison are much closer.
Madison loves her brother, and as the oldest she understands more about him and all he goes through than Sydney, she also has more responsibility for helping to take care of her brother. And we all know, with great responsibility comes great weight.
I think sometimes that she has so much bubbling under the surface that she can' always contain it, but she's watching her parents deal with each new thing, each new challenge, and she doesn't want to add to our load. I don't know that we are doing a poor job of handling and shouldering the newest bad news or the next big surgery. Maybe we aren't, maybe she knows that inside her mom is just one breath away from everything falling down. Or maybe, she believes the illusion. Because most days, I get by on a prayer and an illusion that somehow I am holding it all together.
Things changed in Japan. She was a popular girl, but not the obnoxious kind of popular that happened with some girls in her class. In Kindergarten there were the days where the Queen Bees in the class determined who would be a friend today and who wouldn't. Astounded, I was volunteering one day and was asking for advice from her teacher, because I was totally ill-prepared to handle this kind of conflict so early. Well, her teacher was horrified and that nonsense stopped immediately, and things got better.
In fact, things were pretty good those first few years. It was a DOD (Department of Defense) School, everybody was different and it was fantastic! Little boys let little girls play with them on the playground because it was just weird not too. And my athletic kid really started to excel at sports. By the time we got back to the states, we had a pretty good basketball player and football player. Here in states things were much different. Boys fought back if a girl wanted to play, and if she was better than him, it was really bad. So Madison started to get bullied a bit. But her name was chosen through lottery and we headed to a new school that supposedly would be better for them both, a Charter school with some of the Best teachers around. Sydney's was amazing and managed to unlock her brain and her fire. Madison's helped her to find her feet and stand up for herself. It was important to learn, but it sucks nonetheless. Yeah, she got bullied there, because yet again, she was better at football than a boy. Good Grief. But while she was trying to paly the sports she loves, the girls of course are hating her for that. Boy crazy for Madison meant "One Direction", the other girls were eyeing those football players and basketball players. Off we go, down the rabbit hole.
When she was bullied the next time, it was by her best friend who gave into the cultural differences and family ties that pushed her into go after Madison - thank God, only verbally. I walked through the rest of the year on eggshells, helping her get through the year and helping her rebuild her toolbox with the kinds of tools that help her fight for herself.
I wish we could have kept her at the Middle School in Encinitas, I saw my kid bloom there. No one knew her, but it didn't matter. Kids, teachers, coaches, even the admin staff, they took the time and effort to meet this girl and were drawn into the magic that is all Madison. She is an intense kid that is so incredibly hard for people to accept, especially kids. But those kids weren't out to attack, they were just willing to take her as she is, or walk onto someone else. It was so amazingly different. When her volleyball coach asked the girls to share some information about themselves to help them get to know each other: she shared her journey, and as she talked about her brother, the coach told us the girls were drawn in and some were close to tears. It wasn't a judge her and attack, it was a moment for her to be surrounded by girls that love the same sport she does and they were friends, kind and welcoming. There weren't best friends in there, but there were friends, and it was lovely. It was a touch of accepting her for her.
It has been a mixed bag since we got back up here in Ventura County. There is more drama now because she' s a teen now, and I think that drama is just part and parcel of the whole ordeal. But there is the balancing of friends, her desire to have her best friend combatting the long relationship that that girl has had with another girl - one that feels threatened by Madison and her relationship. Oh my goodness the drama and angst there. And people wonder why there is no dating allowed, we are not gluttons for punishment! And then there is Volleyball. Madison made and then was cut from the freshman team, partly because her parents didn't pay to play and partly because the girls that played Club shut her out. Another tough knock down. But there is a small glimmer of light at the next of this tunnel...and I can only hope it is enough to brighten the life of this very sweet kid.
We took her to Club tryouts, but I chose a Club out of this city, and out of this set of cliques. He Club has a non-travel team, which is still too much money, but with some serious saving work on my part, we could do. But we walked in and there were sixty or seventy girls, I wanted to take mine and run. I don't doubt her skill, but I was doubting her chances as we were waiting everyday to hear that she'd been cut from the freshman team...yeah, the coach was truly that obvious. But the Director saw Eric walk in and came up to him, asked: "Are you Maddie's dad?" Everyone calls her Maddie but us. :-). Eric said yes, then the Director said to him: "I don't know what your plans are, but we would love to have her here. We out her next to a higher skilled player, and we put the star beside her name, she was better. And her passion and enthusiasm, you can't teach that." Madison was standing with her dad, heard enough that she hopped up and down excited, there might have been some tears. The Director smiled and gestured at one of the other coaches, "See?" From across the gym he was like, "I know." With a big grin. She left on Cloud Nine, and the promise of playing for this club starting in Nov or Dec is I think the best reason that she was able to stand back up again after the blow of getting cut from the High School team.
It helps that she actually broke her thumb, we thought maybe torn ligaments until I could get her in to see the Orthopedic surgeon, who told us she broke her growth plate in her thumb, but she's almost done growing, so she'll be just fine. She has healed beautifully and has started playing again with mom and Sydney in the backyard. I would like to think they cut her because she hurt her thumb, but since no one ever checked on her to see if she was all right, I think we know the truth.
At school she is missing her best friend, but she's allowing herself to know more kids that are coming to her, wanting to get to know her. I told her "Let them come to you." So she is letting them come to her and they are slowly, and they are getting to know her, and slowly she is letting them know more about her and learning the special parts of her life. Her brother is information that is only allowed to special people, because he is cherished and precious. Not everyone gets let in to her feelings and worries about her brother, only the precious ones. She has learned this, she is protecting the softest part of her heart.
All is not horrible, because in her journey she has discovered that she is better at the trumpet than she thought and has taken the First Trumpet position in her Symphony at school. Perhaps she is starting to feel that competitive spirit and edge that her gentle heart hasn't had thus far. Bradley has taught us to take life one day at a time, and turns out for Madison - we can plan ahead for things like volleyball outside of High School, but in most all other areas, we can go day by day for her too. One step at a time, one wary moment into another as she finds her way into the life she has to grow into living.
I drop her at school each morning and say a quiet prayer that her guardian angel has slept well and is coffeed up and ready to go because the teen years are tough and High School is no joke. Her school is a Magnet school intended to be a place for kids to be who they are and let the personalities be accepted. I just want her to find her niche and be allowed to keep developing into the person she is meant to be. There will be a lot of hard work ahead and if there is a chance at all....please let there be fun along the way too, my girl could use some sunshine smiling down on her for a while.
See, sometimes, the one with the extra chromosome is easiest. We have to fight for him, but he doesn't know about it all, the girls know when we have to fight for them, makes it more traumatic but they are starting to recognize when to stand up and when to stand down. I guess that's the hardest part about parenting these girls right now, trying to find a balance and trying to help them grow into strong women. And so it goes. Acceptance is not confined to accepting someone with a disability, it's accepting that we are all in this together and our differences are what creates the joy of living.
No comments:
Post a Comment