Holding Onto the Wheel

"31 For 21 Challenge". Day Two!

I can remember sitting in my Renaissance Literature Class at Long Beach State many more moons ago than I care to admit too, and listening to my Professor extol the joys of the Wheel of Fate.  She was the Professor everyone wanted, people said she could be failing you, but you loved her anyway.  Two things: I wanted to teach like her, and I wondered where I might be on that wheel.  I felt like I might be on the way up, despite a terrible relationship that might have knocked me back a notch.  Overall... I thought I was headed up.  And I wondered as I sat there, how big is this wheel exactly, and are we talking peaking in a year, ten years...and would I feel a moment of Euphoria that I'd reached the summit, and would it be a crashing taking me back down?  A quick slide into oblivion?  Or would it be a slow, torturous grind as I headed down, hit bottom, and sat there in a flattened state?

I think the rise and fall happens in all those ways.  I mean I kind of know when I'm at the top though it's usually looking back that I can actually see where that Top, Top moment was.  And I really get a pretty good notion of where bottom is, I hit that a lot, but again I usually look back to see where that bottom, bottom moment might have been.  The worst is the moment the wheel stops...and you're on the bottom.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not just watching my wheel but trying to keep track of five of them.  I fool myself into believing that somehow I can slow the wheels or push them faster, whatever will slow the topple from the top or get them there and out of the muck as quickly as possible.  Realistically, I am aware that I have no ability to do this; realistically, I know that they have to learn how to get through the muck on their own; realistically, I am their Mom, and his wife...if I could conjure greatness from thin air I would settle it around them like a halo that goes everywhere with them.

So instead of juggling balls in the air, I'm juggling wheels and every time I think I got this, a wheel turns on me.  And every time I manage to catch the sight of one of my kids moving towards the top, another is starting the fast slide down.  Jubilation dances with worry, exhilaration with sorrow...

My oldest is finding acceptance, joy, the true beauty of belonging to a team, with friends, finding her place at school.  My ten year old is wicked smart and getting opportunities to explore how far her brain can stretch all while surrounded by classmates that admire her brain, her humor and her charm. I feel like they're fast approaching the top, and I want to slow their ascent to keep them there as long as possible.

Meanwhile, Bradley is spinning so fast I can't find him.  He is spending more time at the doctor than ever.  He's taking baby steps towards going to school rather than school coming to him...and yet we're on his fourth ear infection, the second time he was on antibiotics when he got another.  He looks to be refluxing again, which might explain the ear infections.  And a surgical scope on Tuesday will tell us if his wrap is slipping followed by the news that his surgeon probably can't fix it and probably he'll be back to more tube feeding than oral feeds.  We know this is the likely route, and I may not know where Bradley's wheel is right now, but mine feels like it's running me through the mud.

My boy has Down syndrome, and if you want to know the truth...that's the easiest part of him.  I don't know why he has the medical struggles he has...I don't know why we have to see the Gastro Doc every couple weeks, but when we go, we are taking Sydney too.  There must be something genetic going on, cause my two youngest kids struggle.  But Sydney has 46 Chromosomes, her brother 47...so sometimes that extra chromosome is just an extra chromosome and Gastro stuff is just in your DNA.  Sorry kids, I tried to only pass along some wacky cowlicks as the worst I passed to you...apparently, there was more.

If we are to believe those who lived in the Renaissance, spin the wheel, enjoy being at the top but prepare yourself for the way around.  You can hit bottom as quickly as you hit the top, you just have to hold on tight to the wheel and hope it brings you back around quickly because sitting in the mud gets old and cold fast.  For Bradley's sake, let the wheel spin him to the top as quickly as possible, for the girl's: spin them to their tops and then stop spinning; at least for a little while.