`The Journey Starts with Me.

October 4, 2020

There is a time in your life you have to step outside of your comfort zone and be more than you thought you could actually be.  When you are a pretty shy person and you have children, you suddenly have to try to pretend that you aren’t shy and teach them to start things and do things that you wouldn’t ever see yourself doing.  I had to pretend that life didn’t scare me near as much as it does.  I had to pretend that I didn’t spend most of my day trying to find an adult that would be willing to do the adulting that I really am not qualified to do.  

Despite my efforts to the contrary; somehow, I became the adult and I have to figure out the way forward for myself and my kids. I was just beginning to find my way as a mom when my girls were little.  I wasn’t super great at being a mom, but I tried everyday and I was Blessed to be home with them.  But even as I held their little hands and watched them grow my heart hurt because I knew that I was the memory holder.  I was the one that was going to remember these sweet girls as littles and I just couldn’t fathom how they were going to grow up and not remember these times.  And it would weigh on me, so I would try harder to be absolutely present in every possible moment with them.  I sat in the theater and watched them dance and grow as they learned to be a part of a group and how to be a part of a class and synchronized in a group.  

I volunteered in the classroom, and when it fit in my work schedule, I took them with me.  I would play my IPod and they would sing along to Daughtry, the 80’s, and George Strait.  Their little voices singing off key, the words nowhere near correct, but so beautiful to my ears.  They would sit in my lessons and watch their little movie player with head phones and color, so quiet and so good.  They made friends with all my students and all my students’ kids; and even today, my kids remember those kind faces and think of their childhood with smiles and joy.  They loved their time with me then, and I think that they might have many memories from that time.  But we talk about that time and I share the memories with me to keep them fresh for them.  I am the memory keeper, I have to keep giving them the memories that they have forgotten so that they can keep those pieces, it’s important.  

And then I had Bradley and I had to completely rethink my life and my ability to be a mom.  And not just a mom, but a present mom, a mom learning completely new things, a mom learning how to fight for my kids, and a mom that is successful at building three masterpieces out of my three children.  

So I learned to pray a little harder and work harder to find my Faith and put it into motion.  I told myself that I would keep stepping outside of my comfort zone so that I could become so much more as a person, as a wife and most definitely as their mom.  

I know that my children are going to change their world. But I am learning that to help them do this, I am pulling myself out of what I know and choosing to try and become a better version of myself.  I am working harder on me.  I am working on my health, and in the process I am working on the family so that I can bring (even drag) them with me into better health.  But I am also working on our Faith, our Hope and the Promise that belief is the basis for starting every single Miracle that is going to Bless their lives and every single Miracle that they are going to Bless others with.  

Changing the world takes time, effort, and Faith.  I’m too stubborn to quit and in the end: “Your Whys have Eyes” and the eyes watching me are the Miracles that God gave me and I will not allow them to see me Fail.  My love for them is the very air I breathe and the light in my world!  I may not be here to see the Cathedral finished, but I will see the Foundation laid strong and solid and I have Faith that the lives they build will be worth every single effort.