Leaving Madison at school this morning was actually pretty tough, I felt like I had just dropped her off at Kindergarten, but I didn't get to hold her hand into the classroom. She mentioned to us on Friday evening that she was told by a friend that she no one likes to hang out with her because she's annoying. Ten days of Fall Break and this is what you finally tell us two days before you go back to school? Ah, good grief! Really?!
At first, I could only stare at her. What was I possibly going to say that was going to make it all right? What could I possibly do to fix anything in her world right now? And how could I stop her from crying?
So first we tried to diffuse the situation. I commented to her that she can be a bit overwhelming. And I told her that perhaps she's not so much annoying as, more intense than kids know how to handle all the time. I thought that perhaps the kids find this passion and intensity more than they know how to deal with it, leaving them feeling overwhelmed.
And that made her cry harder! Go Mom! Now I tried to get her to listen, really listen. Madison is desperate to find her one true best friend. It turns out those are not so easy to find these days. Seems like the girls at this age just want to be besties with ten other girls that allow for them to cycle through them as they see most fitting. It's not that Madison is opposed to the ten Besties, but she just really wants to have one friend she can confide in, to depend on, a friend she can trust. She wants her friend who just moved to San Diego to come back. Or even her little friend that lives here in town but goes to a different school, to come to her school. Anything that would give her an ally so she isn't walking around the school always wondering which one she is annoying today.
See I have a best friend or two. I have some women in my life that are there for the sole reason that they can see the best parts of me and make them stand out. They are intent on my well being, and they take care of my heart and soul...all of which they guard carefully. I try to return the favor for them as well. But I tell Madison all the time, I was in 9th grade before I had a lasting friend, and it wasn't always perfect. We had our growing pains, but we're pretty good now. And then it was when I was in College that some of my known friends in High School, became everything, and even that fades and wanes. I tried to explain to her that life puts people in your path for a reason, and sometimes they stay and sometimes they don't. And sometimes, they slip out of your life without a word and a moment turns into hours, into days, weeks, months and then years and you realize that that's it...they've moved out of your life and you can't even remember when you said good-bye that last time, because you never thought it would be your last time. You realize that had you known, you might have been able to stop it from happening, but then, that's the way of things. People are going to move in and out of your life in order to make sure the person you need to learn from will be in place at the right time.
Right now, she feels like no one is in place. So we came up with a plan and I coached her, because that's what I do. She comes to me broken and apparently, I have to try to glue her back together and coach her on how to walk through the landmines that are waiting for her. And she's such a good listener and so brave. She'll say one of the options I give her, no matter how much it puts her out there. For example, her best friend last year was this little boy, and they hung out at the Club together and were in the same class. Well, sadly, he got tired of her and started talking behind her back. My advice was to speak to him directly. She did. She went to him and said "The girls tell me you think I'm following you around all the time. I thought we were friends, I guess I was wrong. I won't bother you again." Her mother was not brave enough to do anything like that till I was in College!
Good grief! Is she annoying because she's brave? Is she annoying because she will let someone know when they are hurting her or someone else? Is she annoying because she comes to school with conflict resolution plans in place and implements them with accuracy and expediency? :-) UGH! If that's it then she's going to hate me long before she's a teen-ager and her hormones tell her to hate me! Yikes!
So yeah, the plan. She said she wanted to go ask the teachers at Nutrition Break and at Lunch Break if she could help out. I was hesitant at first, I mean how can you make a friend in you hide from the kids. But then I thought, maybe it's not such a bad thing to get away from them all for awhile. I told her that much. I also told her that at some point someone will ask her where she's been or where she goes, or why she does what she does...and I said you be honest and tell them you were told your friends find you annoying and you didn't want to annoy anyone so you found other things to do. Because my theory is that there is still some followers to the girls that got in trouble and they are bubbling over to other kids. I think that a couple days without Madison around will help a few realize that they miss her being around. The ones with real friendship potential are the ones that will seek her out. God please let someone seek her out!
I worried about her all day long. When she comes into the door after school, she practically dances. I ask about her day, she tells me great! I ask her about lunch and she says she ate by herself and read her book. I ask her if that was all right? She tells me it was, it was a little sad at first, but it was okay and the other girls walked by her like she wasn't there. Those evil girls that still hold a part of my daughter, those evil girls that should they invite her to their table she would think about going because she misses the one girl very much and wishes they were still friends. But she said it was okay, and she was good. Then she smiles really big to tell me that the boy that has been friendly to her extended more friendship today by getting some classwork for her in their class that afternoon. She told me that when she said thanks, "He told me, 'That's what friends do.'"
So in my attempt to help her back-off and let the girls that want to be her friend because they like her, come to her and be her friend; has apparently been a lesson in how to play a subtle game of hard to get with the boys...cause one has already come to take the bait! How the Heck did that happen? And it's not just any geeky little boy either; this kid went Scuba diving (yeah, he scuba dives) over the break and got bit in the leg by a shark! Has the bandage to prove it! Then he kicked at the shark and they got him away from it and since he was at school today, obviously it ended well. But still! He might have just kicked the whole One Direction! band to the curb with that story alone (however embellished it may or may not be)! Holy Smokes! So at the end of the day, she had a pretty good day at school today. I may stay on pins and needles until she Graduates from College, but even then...if she calls me, I'm going to coach her. I'm going to help her to confront the issues and hopefully do it in a way where she comes through it with wisdom and less scars than the Shark bit kid! If it were allowed I'd give that kid a big hug just for being nice to her today! Please don't let him drink Jerk juice before bed tonight!!! HAHA....
As for Bradley? Well, he seemed to sense my distress today. I was on the receiving end of a whole bunch of kisses and hugs. Even a few games where he wanted to give me Eskimo Kisses, over and over! He even made me laugh with great purpose by putting his blanket over my head, giving me a kiss, then yanking the blanket off my head to say: "Boo!" He rocked in his OT today and he finally ate this afternoon. From 3 pm to 7 pm, he fit in three meals. I'd complain if I weren't so grateful! And tired! I cooked like a mad woman tonight, chicken with stuffing, baked beans and cranberry sauce...all these I knew he'd eat! Sometimes you just have to bring out the big guns!
So the challenge is not to live with a child with an extra chromosome in your family...the challenge is to learn to live and to thrive with whatever God gave you in your Seabag, leaving plenty of room to add who and what you need as you need them, and knowing sometimes you have to lighten your load. You may never want to let go, but sometimes what they need is not you, and you have to let go. I don't know how to help Madison yet, but I am hoping that with time this will become one of those things that will work itself out as it is meant too. But until then, every time I pray I ask for the right words, I ask to give her what she needs to hear to help her the most. She didn't like to hear she can be overwhelming to people, but she listened anyway and she's trying very hard to find her path. Nobody ever said Mondays were easy!
Have a great night Folks!
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