I'm doing the 31 for 21 Challenge again this year. I think it's important. I think that there is so much out there intended to help and to hinder at the same time that we are being inundated with uncertainty. We started the last year with the news about the pre-natal test "MaterniT-21" and the ramifications that at 12 weeks a mom can be 99% certain that her child has Down syndrome, "Trisomy 21." Considering the numbers can be as high as 9 out of 10 diagnosed babies are aborted this seems like a death warrant for Down syndrome. And it's not because there is a 'cure' or a prevention, it's just an option. I followed the studies for months, struggled with them really. Would I have taken the test, would it have made a difference? Sure, agonizing debate...mind numbing fear...hours of research...to lead to the only option I would have been comfortable with...a beautiful baby boy 22 weeks later. But that would be a good thing to have those 22 weeks, because I would have been ashamed at myself for thinking down that track, no matter how quickly I jumped off. I know me, but I also have some reference to this.
As most of you know, Bradley was a huge surprise, as in so not on my radar that I was using a diet pill to help lose the rest of my baby weight from Sydney...and that kid was almost five! Geesh! Anyway, they hadn't been working so I had stopped them about ten days before I discovered I was pregnant. Do I think that the diet pills contributed an extra chromosome? Don't know, that kind of thinking is counterproductive to me - it would just drive me nuts. It's something future parent planners might want to keep in mind I guess...but let's be real, how many pregnancies are planned out? How many mommies weren't eating their fiber cereal and taking pre-natal vitamins to prep for the BIG Day??? Regardless, I was trying to tell the OB Nurse that was doing my intake that I was concerned and I said it like this: "I'm concerned about the baby because of these diet pills because this was so not planned!"
She translated that to us wanting to end the pregnancy. Huh? And I had a moment of sheer disbelief as I said, "No, the baby is here, it's coming now...I said I was concerned by what to expect because of the diet pills, not how do I ditch this?" In that moment I felt the weight of all my 35 years, with delivery coming at 36 years. And when I thought I had worked through that, and I felt almost spry...well, no, never spry...at least like earlier 30's...our other doctor friend chuckled as he told me my chart listed "advanced gravitas" or some such explanation in Latin to define my pregnancy. After that I went looking for a cane. Good grief!
So I am glad I skipped that wretched test. But even now I wonder where we might be headed. Will Bradley's generation be the very last there is to be of Down syndrome? Will these future babies be terminated based on a test and doctors that don't always know what to say, or can say the right thing but in the least approachable way possible? Let's be honest, for every person that falls in love with my son, there will be ten more ready to tear him down and attack me for raising him and not hiding him away from "decent" society. I'm working now on my even thicker skin, but let me just say...I never want to step foot in their version of "decent" society. My boy is only three and a half years old, but as I delve into the early education of myself to prepare for Inclusion for him in school - I find myself daunted. I see already where there will be pitfalls and fights - and that's before I ever get to meet one teacher to know if this is a battle to fight without an ally. I keep researching this information, reading other parents' issues and problems...but sometimes I step back and just go play with Bradley instead. I guess in the grand scheme of things blogging 31 days in a row is a cake walk compared to helping Bradley become included in school and life. (I say this now, but check back at Day 15 and see how optimistic I remain!) ;-)
So we Begin Again. We do this a lot, we begin again and again. Past mistakes are noted and corrected and a new way to do our plan is attacked with gusto. If we get it right, repeat, repeat and repeat until the plan has to change or is forced to change and we begin again. Exhausting? Yeah, it can be quite. Days run into each other and nights grow longer than they should be. You forget to pick up the phone to connect with your family and friends because the process of repetition lulls you into a sense that as much time has not passed as really has. And then you look up and see a calendar and you realize how long it has been and you hesitate to call now because you haven't been in touch like you should. Perhaps it is much easier to blog. :-)
31 for 21 Challenge...perhaps this constant awareness of the movement of days on the calendar will be most beneficial to me and help me reconnect with those I miss and love. Perhaps! Let's just hope that forgiveness is in the air this month as well! ;-)
See you tomorrow, have a great day!
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