So this is never going to go down easy. Kind of like me trying to take a shot of Bourbon without snorting half of it through my nose...well, let's be honest...I am a lame drinker, a shot of anything is the result of a burn that makes me splutter and look ridiculous in the process. So there are no shots in my life, I have three children, one under the age of three that I often entertain - if I'm gong to look ridiculous I'm going to do it with two plastic balls as I attempt to juggle and make Bradley laugh. More often than not we both end up laughing from our bellies and then fall over in glee when he first tries to juggle himself and then tries to toss a third, fourth, fifth and so on, number of balls up into the mix of my two. Chaos!
But that's a whole other idea than where I was headed with this. Bradley will turn 4 in January. That means that in December we will go to the school and meet will all his therapists, his teacher and the school psychologist and we will discuss all that he does not know and all he does not do in order to set up his educational plan for the next year. These are mind numbing and despair dredging days for me, I hate these moments as relative strangers tell us what our son cannot do and how he is no more than 15 to 18 months old developmentally. That's what he was last year, mostly because he is non-verbal. I know he is still non-verbal this year, but he truly has come so far in the last year. His eating is improving, perhaps it's no where near perfection, but it's a work in progress that is honestly progressing. And perhaps he isn't having long conversations with me, but I remind you, he's 3. And his speech is progressing too. His amazing little fingers tell me more and more everyday and a little more often than has been the norm, we get repeated words and spontaneous words. So he's trying. Why, just in the last week, he is recognizing his shapes and doing it in all manner of formats. It's not like I gave him one option to practice his shapes and he can't do it anywhere else. And while we're bragging here...we're kicking butt with colors and fine motor manipulations. His comprehension is progressing daily too, he understands: let's go play (something), let's do a puzzle (he'll tell you the one he wants to do most times), let's go eat, let's climb into your chair at the table in the kitchen to eat, or the one in the living room to play, let's go change your pants. Last week, he understood to go pee-pee in the potty, we clapped and I told him go more pee-pee and he did. Then he said Bath, and that got him a bath...and he stood up and went more pee-pee in the bath and started to clap because isn't that the routine. So sure, we aren't completely anywhere, but he's growing and progressing.
So today with his Occupational Therapist, I asked if she was okay with the half an hour every week or if she felt like he would be better served with more. Did he need more to catch up on the things he had missed during the great hunt for an Occupational Therapist that Bradley would not hide from? This goes right back like an arrow in your soul to: careful what you ask for. I didn't ask where he was at...but that's what I got. And it wasn't done in malice, but it's done and now for the next few weeks and days I will walk with this new weight that will constantly repeat her words: About two years old. Seriously, two? After all the hard work, after watching the explosion of his abilities in the last month alone, the sound of his voice, him eating chicken and other soft meats and then tackling and conquering Goldfish...She said he is about 2 developmentally. I know that a lot of this is his lack of endurance and social abilities. We are working on endurance to tasks, but what he'll do for me for a long time, he'll fight with someone else. And he is way social with me and the family...but we just don't count. My little guy powered through and shone in seven therapy sessions last week...seven! He tried hard, he worked hard. The therapists that he knows well and is comfortable with saw amazing things last week...the new ones saw the struggles. But I was so proud of him, I was so proud for him. And now I am sad, and a bit disheartened. But it will pass, it did last year, it will now and in December, after a little time, it will pass then too.
There will always be those that do not see him at his best, those that will not bring out the Gold in him the way others will. The problem is, the ones that bring out the most are not the ones in charge of his case, in charge of his future in academics. That's just the way it is. There will always be this mom that takes what he gives me, then pushes me as I push him for more...and when I learn how behind we are - I feel guilty, because I have let him down. I didn't know that at 3 in pre-school the kids are cutting with scissors and gluing with glue sticks...not well, but doing it. I didn't realize that...last week he failed at this completely and it's on me, cause I didn't realize we were supposed to be doing this already.
So, right now he is "coloring" with Sydney and tomorrow we are going to try again to see if he can actually cut something with his scissors. Then for the rest of the month, I'm printing out Pumpkins and we're practicing with a glue stick to put shapes on them to make "Jack o' Lanterns" because I just don't know what else to do and I have to help him catch up. He will have enough challenges in life without me not preparing him for the ones I am supposed to.
Do I think that by December he'll suddenly jump up in development to be closer to a three, or three and a half year old. No. But at least he and I can work on this stuff together and hope we catch the other stuff as it comes. Sigh!
I didn't expect four, but I sure wasn't ready for two. Try again tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow! Never quit trying and he'll just keep learning and growing. Down the road, two will become three, which will become four and so on, and Bradley will just keep gently reminding me to breathe through this stuff - he'll get there, just on his own timeline, not theirs. I will continue to be proud of him, and proud for him - because I see the Gold in him and I get to see the shining moments he won't show anyone else. And if it gets to me too much, his Dad is always there beside me reminding me: "He's our Bradley, he's awesome. He'll get there in his own time."
Learning and Accepting...why I blog everyday in October for the "31 for 21: Challenge!" Bradley IS awesome, and he will get there! Good night all, have a good Monday night!
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