I remember when Eric and I decided to try and have kids. I started taking the right vitamins and started eating Raisin Bran because all the experts said it would give me smart children and healthier children. I was totally on board for that. Only problem is was, we couldn't get pregnant. Which meant I was eating Raisin Bran for almost two years, and for someone who isn't a huge raisin fan, that meant all the work without any payoff. In fact, we had to become a medical odyssey in order to get pregnant with Madison. I tried to do everything right, I was super careful about what I ate and I did a whole bunch of research about what was coming so I would have some reference between potentials and what we actually had. And through all that I knew that my partner in crime was so much better prepared than I was and if I didn't know what to do, he would. But the pressure! Good night! And then I didn't want to breast feed, but the experts said it would protect my children from Chrohn's disease, and knowing some of what my brother has gone through, I agreed to nurse. When her pediatrician told me that nursing a year would be best for her reflux issue, I agreed. After all, how could I be sure that I had not done something wrong to create her reflux problem. Was it my fault that she would burn so bad she wouldn't breathe? What had I done wrong?
I followed the same scenario with Sydney, luckily only six months of Raisin Bran on top of the pregnancy, so that was a relief. But I had trouble carrying Sydney. A lot of hospital time getting hydrated because living in the desert I just couldn't do it on my own. After each IV trip, I tried harder, but I was always back. I always thought I was doing something wrong, and no one really tells you that you are doing it right. When I was contracting for eight days... Four minutes to eight to twelve back to four.... Over and over, I paced and wondered, and worried. What could I have done different? We didn't live close to town or the doctor, so once a week (or longer in the sixth month when my appointment was three weeks apart) I'd have a strawberry banana milkshake from Jack in the Box after my doctor appointment. Maybe that was a bad idea?
And then along came Bradley. A lot of guilt. I wasn't trying, our birth control failed...I was trying a new diet pill... and along came "Surprise!" And no, they still don't tell you it's okay, what I got was, "Oh well, it's done." Which translated in my head as, if anything is wrong it would be my fault. When I had Melanoma and had to have surgeries I worried about what would happen to the baby I carried and what I was doing to him. When we got through that but I started losing amniotic fluid, I began to wonder if I could have prevented that too.
Ninety minutes after he was born and our Midwife told us about the extra chromosome, and I knew somehow it was my fault. Something I had done had caused this I was sure of it. I hadn't been happy to be pregnant again as the ramifications hit me: this baby wouldn't be nursed for a year like the first two because I would need work as soon as possible when we returned to the states. Where the girls had me mostly home, this baby would have daycare and babysitters. I felt like I was letting this kid down before I ever got started. Plus, we weren't exactly rolling in money, the biggest reason not to have three. Surely, three was enough, surely something amiss wouldn't happen to further drive us into a deeper hole. Surely.
God's answer was: "Don't call me Shirley." And here came Bradley with Down syndrome. Had I let Eric down by not giving him a perfect son? I don't know, to him Bradley is perfect... Had I failed to give him a typical son, sure. But even as I felt that I was not worthy of the trio that created this last little miracle; God and Eric took care of most things. Eric loved our son and me, he grieved the son we lost but welcomed with love the son we were given. God gave me Eric, an incredible hospital staff, and so many friends to carry us through. God gave me Bradley who watched me quietly, his deep blue eyes drinking me in, waiting for my heart to catch up, showing me the way.
And then, one of them, God or Bradley gave me wisdom.
I don't know much, but this is what I have learned, and this is what I have discovered in my beliefs. We do the best we can, we provide our babies everything good we can and they get everything good we have to give them. I know now that very little of anything that was "wrong" with my kids, health wise...may be a part of my genetic map, but not really my fault. As in, I could not control how my kids were formed. At the end of the day, I know now that the chromosome happened at a cellular level, that Madison's reflux, and Sydney's and Bradley's was probably not my doing. Sydney's tummy problems, Bradley's...maybe not really my fault. I tell myself this stuff. And I consider this...how much worse could these things have been if I had not tried so very hard to make sure they got the best I had to give. And I think that that might be the key.
Bad things happen to good people. Rabbi Kushner taught us that, and he was right. Sometimes no matter how you try you can't stop the bad from happening. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't bring perfect babies into the world, because there are no perfect babies, children or adults. We are all imperfect. We are all different, and that which makes me me, is not the same as what makes you you. As parents we have to let go of the guilt and the regret. If we did the best we could and chose not to drink alcohol, smoke and do drugs...if we ate our Raisin Bran and more veggies than we ever wanted too... then it's time to let the guilt go. Because we tried, we gave our babies a fighting chance, and I believe that the fighting chance is better than no chance. Who our babies are and who they will be might be shaped by a diagnosis, but they won't be defined by a diagnosis.
I believe that all three of my kids will have amazing lives. I believe that each will go on in this world to find the very things that light up their souls and make the world spin just for them. I know I will support that, I know I will be their greatest cheerleader next to their dad. And I know that their Dad and I gave them the best of our genes that we had to give them. Will the Raisin Bran make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Maybe not, a harsh truth I admit to myself, but I think that all of that cereal must surely make me healthier in the long run, and that helps me keep up with my kiddos, so I guess it was worth it in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment