The world changes faster than anyone is ready for, even when you think you are, you rarely are anywhere near. I thought that if we made plans and stuck to them then we would have the kind of life that led to stability with the house for the kids to grow up in and always come back to as home. We thought we had that when we bought our house in Hemet, CA. We could not have been more wrong. At some point you have to start asking yourself, what did we do so wrong? How did life work out where the Navy Police job that Eric loved, he promoted out of, and then out of the Navy, and now he just can't get back in to the police work he loves.
Let's face it, the Navy was the brotherhood, the home and the unity that means you have a place amongst brothers and sisters. Police and Fire feel the same kind of brotherhood, and sisterhood. A place you belong, a place where people care about you and call you family. Retiring from the Navy ended that whole unity, that connection. At times that can leave you feeling bereft, lost. In the grand scheme of things it is both sweet and pathetic that we found our place in Japan for just a little while. But the saddest part was that we thought that we had bigger dreams to chase once he retired, we thought that there would be another place, another group of unity and home, a place to belong.
And yet for some reason, that's not the life meant for us. Dreams for the police department were lost in Pre-orientation (before he could be an actual employee) when his leg buckled and he went down hard. As life would have it, the kids were in the perfect place and the adults were left adrift and lost in a really tough and unsustainable position. So we had to return to a previous position which provided the family a chance to recover, get back in one place and create some peace. Too bad Dad is miserable in his job. Sigh... To make it worse, of course there are some heart issues for Eric again. Thursday he goes to the Heart Catheter lab and we take a look inside to see if there is a blockage, or if he has electrical issues...is there something that can be fixed right then, or are we off to a Specialist and whatever comes next? Life is a big question mark right now.
New dreams have to be worked on and planned, old dreams have to be gently put to rest and filed away. And that is the hardest thing to do, letting go and moving on...so much tougher than we thought, such a painful process and even more painful realization. But that's where we are, and this is where we are making our life for now...hoping to find a turn in the road that will lead to a better tomorrow, for now we just aren't sure. We are back to the plan we created when we first had Bradley and the world became so uncertain...one day at a time, no big attempt to create big plans on the off chance we have to cancel, but truly excited when the moments arise that let us pull off a last minute coup and do something fun for all of us. Yes, sometimes that does happen.
Why do we Facebook? Because our family - blood and love, are all over the world. We have only to have the courage to reach out and let them know that we are in need of prayers and love and we get an outpouring of both from all of them. Maybe we don't have the physical unity that would be great for Eric to go to work with everyday, but we do have the Unity of these people that reach through the Internet to be there for us whenever we need it. For the most part we have very trusted support to be with the girls or watch Bradley...in fact, we are very Blessed to have these kind souls that step up when we are truly in need and have no other options. Then we wait for that one moment of opportunity to provide any kind of support back, anything we can do to let them know we are as much here for them as they have been for us... Just sucks that we are the more needy in these relationships.
On the darkest days, in the saddest moments, the scariest times...our brothers and sisters - our families from all over...they sit with us in spirit. Sometimes I forget this and try to keep going on just my own tattered Faith, and then October rolls around. And every October, those who love us and Bradley the most reach out to us and remind us of all the love he brings into our lives, and all the joy he carries around him. And then it buoys us and we keep putting one foot in front of the other and our Faith feels stronger.
We've got a long week ahead. Hope yours is great!
Sharing Awareness until we create Acceptance! 31 for 21... because Bradley matters!
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