Bedtime with Bradley has always been strange. When he was a newborn he would sleep through the night, the first night home I woke up in the morning and bolted straight up in bed to check him, afraid of the worst case potential because I hadn't heard him cry all night. Then, a few nights like that and he would wake me up in the morning, but not because he was crying, I just knew he was awake because his breathing would change and I grew very attune to the sound of his breathing. At one point, I started setting an alarm to wake me up so I could try to get him to wake up and eat. Most the time he wouldn't wake up and I would just worry about it. I gave up, made sure he got enough meals during the day nursing and with supplemental formulas. And that seemed okay.
As for sleeping, he put himself to sleep for naps and at night. He did this until he was given the G-Tube. He could no longer roll around and get comfortable, instead he had to be asleep and then put to bed so he wouldn't pull the button out. There went the self soothing bedtime routine.
But this is the thing about life, there is always give and take. For everything you lose, you gain something else. We lost his independent ability to put himself to sleep, but we gained that ever special time as he was rocked to sleep. Some nights were nightmares, and some nights were the greatest of gifts. Some nights where one sleepless night followed by another and another so that rocking a warm baby with his head against your heart was the solace for worry, and provided you with your own little twenty minute nap. Just try to stay awake in a dark room, with a warm little baby in your arms all snuggled up and sweet. I can't do it!
For the most part, I didn't mind having to rock him to sleep. Circumstance and situation made him learning to sleep on his own a bit delayed. He would wake in the middle of the night and I would scoop him up and get him vented and diapered and back down. These times could be as quick as ten minutes or as long as hours. As his g-tube and belly began to work more together, there was less need for middle of the night venting, so he was simply put back to bed. Some nights he went right back to sleep, some nights I would be in there for hours.
Our recent move really messed up his system and I began to think I would never sleep through the night again. It was taking longer to get him down, there was no chance for Eric and I to talk at night because we were both too tired and the need for sleep always won. Inevitably, every night, I would be up putting him back to bed as many as three times a night.
We added Melatonin, because I was desperate. And then I started a new routine where he get his meds, then a shower, his teeth brushed, his pajamas, and then I put him on his bed. Once there, he gets milk if he wants it and/or needs to fill the last of his caloric need for the day, and I read him four books. After four books, if he is still awake, I turn out the light and sit on the end of the bed without interacting with him until he goes to sleep. He tries to climb out of bed I put him back on his pillow until he gives it up.
Most nights, he doesn't need all four books...tonight was two... He knows the routine, he lays on his pillow first, and then he lays down by me to see the book, then will turn away from all of it and listen as he falls asleep. It's actually pretty great. I have tried to leave the room after the fourth book, but after putting him back to bed ten times, I decided to work the end of the bed routine for a while and then try that next big step in a little while.
The good part is that he is going to sleep on his own and even staying in his bed sleeping for three nights out of seven. That's a great thing. What do we lose? There are no Daddy/Bradley cuddles as he falls asleep. No Mommy/Bradley cuddles either. Except, there are some nights that he struggles after that fourth book and he comes to the end of the bed and crawls into my lap and I hold him and he snuggles in and I am grateful. I want him to do this on his own, to have a routine he can follow as he gets older, just like the girls. And I want my cake too, I want to feel his little arms wrap around my neck and snuggle in as he falls asleep. That sweet smell of sleep that comes over him and wraps around me, that gentle breath that I feel against my neck as he settles into a soft rhythm that only comes with sleep. That last deep sigh that tells me he has dropped into a peaceful sleep deep enough to lay him down and let him go.
He's learning to be a big boy, and I am so proud of him. And as I let him grow and ease him towards the big boy steps I hold my breath and pray that each step will lead to better and better for him. It is a scary world out there and the best we can do is to take one step at a time... one book at a time, one bedtime at a time.
I hope that there will be a time that he will put himself to bed each night, that he will sleep through the night seven nights out of seven, and that he will always come wrap his arms around my neck and cuddle with me when he needs me. Then we can both be happy!
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